Morelli Chaos

I'm a Nurse...

2012-02-14T08:10:00.002-05:00

and I am a mother. Being a nurse makes understanding the medical jargon and medical needs of your kids easier but being a mother you never want to see your kids sick. Being a nurse makes doing the gross and icky stuff easier because you are comfortable with most of the gross and icky but as a mother you don't want to do the gross and icky stuff to your kids, especially if it makes them cry. Being a nurse means recognizing the necessity for medical procedures because the benefits outweigh the risks, especially if the risks are substantial, but being a mother means that you never want to hand your child over to medical staff for that procedure. I may be a nurse but as I sit here typing this with a little less than 4hrs to go before I have to hand my baby over to other nurses and a surgeon for a hernia repair, I am freaking out. I'm a nurse, I understand the need for the surgery, I understand that if it's not done, we risk intestinal strangulation, I understand the need to keep him overnight in the hospital to make sure all of the anesthetic is out of his system...I understand. BUT, I am a mother first. I do not want to hand my son over to others to take care of. I do not want him be put under general anesthesia and most certainly do not want him to be cut into regardless of the size of the incisions. I don't want him to spend the night in the hospital, I want him home with his family. Most of all, I want my son happy and healthy, so for now, I put my nursing shoes over top of my mom shoes and I understand on the outside and freak out on the inside.

The story of Keegan's birth

2012-01-29T13:22:00.006-05:00

Keegan made his appearance into this world a little over 2 months ago. It has taken me a while to write out his birth story because it has taken me this long to want to write it out. More on that later though.

Keegan was scheduled to arrive on December 14th at 9am via c-section. He had other plans or at least my body had other plans for his arrival. While it wasn't my most traumatic birth (Ryann's was), it wasn't easy. On Sunday, November 20th I was incapacitated with a migraine. I felt really ill. It had to be one of the worst ones I had had during the pregnancy and because I was pregnant I was limited to Tylenol and Fiorocet, neither of which were helping. Around 6p that evening, I emailed my boss and asked him if I could come in at noon the next day because I was feeling bad and we were fully staffed anyway so I was in the office anyway and not on the floor. I got his approval and planned my day accordingly. On Monday, I woke up feeling better from the headache, however, my stomach was not in good shape (I'll avoid the details there). I got the girls on their respective buses and took Hayden to preschool, came home and ate breakfast and at 10a, I got a call from a co-worker asking me if I just wanted to take the day off and she would cover the evening shift for me. Since I was feeling better, I turned her down but told her and my boss that I wouldn't come in until 3p just to get my stomach straight. I took a nap that morning while all 3 kids were at school. My mother in law, Beth, was scheduled to pick Hayden up from preschool and stay with him the rest of the day since I was supposed to work, so I went ahead and asked her to still get him for me. After getting up from my nap, I decided to work on my paper for school since it was do that night. At 1p, I noticed I was having contractions that were really irregular. They weren't painful and I could walk and talk through them so I figured that they were Braxton Hicks. That being said, I went into labor with Hayden at 34wks and didn't realize I was having contractions. Fortunately, they were able to stop them then and I didn't have Hayden until 36wks. I was currently 35wks and change with Keegan and had made it passed the point where I went into pre-term labor with Hayden, so I was feeling good about making it to my c-section date or at least making it passed 36wks. At 2p, I texted Kris to let him know about the contractions. He said, "Sh*t, you can't go into labor today because we both have papers due tonight". I told him not to worry that they were just BH and I was monitoring them. At 220p, I decided I'd better get ready to leave for work, so I stood up and walked into my kitchen (heading to the bathroom) and felt a gush that I immediately knew wasn't my water breaking, it was blood. I can't explain why I knew, maybe because something similar happened with Hayden or maybe because I had the subchorionic bleed at the beginning of this pregnancy. Anyway, I ran into the bathroom, (WARNING: TMI ahead) I had soaked my pants and underwear and seemed like I filled the toilet. It was a lot and it was scary. So while I am sitting on the toilet, I yelled for Beth and told her what was going on and had her get me a towel and asked her to call Kris while I called the doctor's office and my boss. My boss was, of course, okay with it and was just glad I wasn't at work when it happened. Kris was unreachable (on a conference call but we didn't know that at the time) and my doctor's office told me to come in there right away. I cleaned myself up, Beth brought me a change of clothes and I headed out the door with towel in my hand. My step-father (who was at the house finishing off our 5th bedroom) drove me to the doctor's office while Beth stayed behind with Hayden and to get the girls off their buses. As I was leaving the house, I strongly suspected that that day would be baby day, but because we were in such a tizzy, no one could find my bag and so I left the house without my bag or my camera. When I got to the office, I did the standard, pee in the cup and had my vital signs measured. Everything was abnormal because of the bleeding and stress. Dr. R checked me and my cervix hadn't changed any since the 1cm measurement on the Friday before. Keegan was completely fine though. Doctor R said to me the same thing he said to me 4yrs ago when this happened with Hayden, "I don't know why you are bleeding, but you are bleeding more than I am comfortable with and you have earned yourself a trip to L&D." He told me that he wanted me monitored for a few hours and if everything was okay then I'd go home on bedrest for baby to bake a bit longer, if not then we'd play it by ear but if it was true labor, they wouldn't stop it with meds. By 330p I was over at the hospital, hooked up to the monitor and low and behold, I'm contracting every 5-8min. Again, they weren't that painful but were noticeable and the bleeding had let up. The nurse was awesome, started my IV, hooked up fluids because if the contrx were going to stop, they would have to stop with fluid and that's it. My doctor called after the first bag was in and they hadn't stopped so he ordered another bag of fluid. I'd been at L&D for about an hour at that point. The second bag was halfway in when he called back at 515p. The contrx were still steadily coming. He asked the nurse to page him when it was in and then he'd make the call, so at 530, the bag was in and I was still contracting. My doctor made the call to do the c/s...and then the masses descended on my hospital room. Mind you, Keegan was fine through all of this, but the concern now was with my uterus being thin because I have had 3 previous c/s and the continuous contrx. My doctor came in the room and asked if I still wanted my tubes tied, I said yes, and he said "thank god". Can you tell this pregnancy stressed him out? He's been with me through the issues with Hayden's delivery, the loss of Fyn last December, and all the issues the first 16wks of this pregnancy so I know this was a relief for him. At 545 I was in the OR getting my spinal. My doctor was by my side while I was getting the spinal. I told him that I thought I was going to make it further this time and he told me that he thought I was too, but at least I made it this far and everything should be fine. So, once I was sufficiently numb (which took a lot of manipulating of the OR table. I think they ended up starting the c/s while I was tilted on my head and to the right because I wasn't numbing as much as I needed to. Another benefit to being a redhead, I guess. Shortly there after they brought Kris in and after a lot of pushing and pulling, Keegan was out, butt first (he flipped around at some point in the last couple weeks) at 610p. He screamed right away and continued to cry for a few minutes at which point the NICU team stimulate him to scream some more. He obliged. His apgars were 9/9 and the NICU doctor looked at Kris and I and said, "Congrats, he looks great" and left the OR. He weighed 6lbs even and was 19" long. He was grunting and retracting some so he had to be taken to the nursery for monitoring instead of coming into the hospital room with us. We had been through that with Hayden, so it wasn't a surprise. The kids got to come up to the hospital and see me but couldn't see Keegan until the next day. Keegan was able to come to my room around midnight that night to be cuddled and loved on. It was so sweet. I did end up having a few complications that night with bleeding (story of my life) and had to get some meds to help with that but all in all, it wasn't too bad.

So why did it take me this long to write out his birth story? A lot of it has to do with how abruptly the pregnancy ended and how it ended. Don't get me wrong. I'm so thrilled that he made it here safe and sound, but there's a part of me that had hoped and wanted to have him all to myself for a little bit longer. To feel his kicks and hits inside me for a few more weeks. I thought I would have to time to come to term with the fact that he was going to be my last baby, that this would be the last time I felt a baby move within me. Yes, even with all of the complications, I still wanted those last few weeks. I wanted to get through the anniversary of mom's death and of Fyn's too. I thought I was going to have that time to grieve for them and then I could focus solely on Keegan and the new future. Obviously, that's not how it happened and his delivery happened just the way it was supposed to and for that I'm grateful. The best laid plans...

Keegan was born with 2 stork bites, one on each eye. The other term for stork bites, is angel kisses. I believe that he came when he did with a kiss from Fyn and a kiss from mom to let me know that they are here and that they are watching. They stork bites have faded over the last few weeks and are barely noticeable now, but I know that they were there and that he's been touched by 2 very special angels.

Keegan's angel kisses

October 15th

2011-10-15T09:09:00.002-04:00

Today is the day. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is the day to recognize a quote by Ronald Reagan who declared October National Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month back in 1988: "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them." To many, today is just another day, and year ago, this probably would have been me, but today is different for me now. Today, at 7pm, we light a candle in remembrance of Fyn and all of those babies lost through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes. So if you know anyone who has lost a baby, please light a candle for them at 7p your time and let them know that you are thinking of them and remembering what should have been today.

The heartbreak of infant loss

2011-10-13T06:32:00.000-04:00

The heartbreak of infant loss
By Laura Schubert

Oct. 6, 2011 |(10) Comments

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor. Email ljschubert@aol.com

Because I'm that crazy...

2011-10-03T05:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't had time to update my blog in almost two weeks because I started grad school and when I'm not working or playing Kiddie Kab Driver, I am online doing homework. Yes, I know I am 7 months pregnant, Yes, I do have 3 kids to take care of and an infant on the way, Yes, I am that crazy. I'm actually enjoying it though. I decided to enroll at University of Phoenix online b/c it allows me the flexibility that my alma mater does not. That was the biggest factor for me. I take one class at a time for 6wks at a time and can take a leave of absence when needed, which I will do after my class ends on November 21. I will start back up in January. I had been contemplating going back to school for some time, well actually since I graduated with my BSN, but I just never did anything about it. It was time. I'm not completely satisfied with my job, haven't been in years and I hope that this will allow me to do something more with my career. It will take me about 2yrs to complete with my break included. It's not going to be easy, but it'll be worth it.

It was one of THOSE weeks

2011-09-19T05:44:00.000-04:00

I don't have bad weeks very often, but last week qualifies. We were short staffed at work, our AA was out of time, as was my boss. Everyone on staff was over worked and under paid I'm sure. I was so tired after work each day that I was ready to fall apart. Tuesday was by far the worst day because I didn't have the help that I should have had, and I was in a piss poor mood with a headache to boot. The headached lingered on into Wednesday morning too. Thankfully, I didn't have to be at work until 10a. That morning, I got up, got the girls on their respective buses and got Hayden ready for preschool. As I was coming down the steps that morning, one of our cats got under my feet and almost took me down. Thank God for safety railings and thank god I was holding on to it. After that, I got Hayden in the car to go to preschool. We got into the car line at preschool and he was ready to go. He unbuckled hiself and got his bag ready and then I opened the van door...OMG, I'm not sure what switch was flipped, but he decided he wasn't getting out. He started to move away from the open door to the other side of the van. I am grabbing the back of his shirt and pulling him. He decided then that he would just drop to his knees at which point I accidentally elbowed him on his decent to the floor. He then lays down and grabs my seat and his seat and says "no". I literally have my 7mos pregnant body contorted around in the seat, grabbing his ankle and pulling at him. I finally said, "Do not make me unbuckle myself and get out or your not getting any games (ipad) tonight. I reached down and unbuckled myself and boy did he move fast after that. He was up and out of the car before the seat belt swung into place. I rebuckled myself and shut the door and started to drive off, that's when I notice my son, RUNNING AWAY from the car line helpers. UGH. I was going to park the car and get out (why not, I was already going to be late for work at this point) but when I looked in my mirror, Hayden had been stopped by the preschool director and even though he was standing there glaring at her with his arms across his chest, he wasn't running anymore. Thankfully. My headache was raging at this point so I stopped at Wawa to get some caffeine to wash down my Tylenol. As I'm checking out, the cashier looks at me and says, "You know you shouldn't be drinking that soda" while pointing at my stomach. In that instant, I truly understood the term "Going Postal" and "Justifiable Homicide". I have never ever wanted to jump across the counter and rip someone's throat out, like I did hers. Now, I know she didn't know what I had been through already that morning or that week or hell the last year really, but I was not thinking nice thoughts. I was just thinking that she's lucky to be alive, and I'm lucky to not be in jail. I had to work the next morning (Thursday) at 530a. I got up, got to work, and realized that I forgot to tell Kris something about getting MJ ready in the morning, so I sent him a quick email. Here's the response I got, "woke up this morning, rolled over and laid my hand in dog vomit (on our comforter no less) and then Hayden came in and said he had peed through everything on his bed and then MJ came out and yelled at all of us for being awake so early". I have to say that I have never been more grateful to not be at the house in my life. I think that would have sent me over the edge. The rest of the work week was better but still insanely busy due to short staffing. I'm way behind at work and will have to do massive amounts of catchup this week. On Friday, Kris and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Thanks to my aunt for keeping the kids overnight, Kris and I got to use our gift card to the Jefferson Hotel here in Richmond. The hotel is really beautiful and it was so nice to be able to focus on each other sans the whining and fighting. Unfortunately dinner didn't go as smoothly as one would have hoped. Kris has been dying to take me to the italian restaurant downtown, so we went. Well, there wasn't a lot on the menu for this non-red meat either but one of the specials was pasta with soft shell crab. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to stomach having to shell a crab and pull it apart, I asked the waiter if all of that was taken care of. He assured me that it was and that you actually eat the shell of the crab and that if you liked crab then you'd like this. WRONG! My dinner came and it had legs. They had plopped the entire crab, sans the eyes, down on top of a pile of spaghetti that was way too spicy for me to eat. I ended up having to get Kris to move the plate to the other side of the table b/c I was pretty sure I was going to vomit. Kris was able to eat his food and we requested the check and left the crab with all of his appendages on the table. I ordered room service when we got back to the hotel. Other than dinner being an epic fail, our anniversary was nice. They can't all be perfect, right? Plus, that experience was right in line with how my week was going.

Here's to hoping that this coming week is better than last.

First Day of School

2011-09-14T05:22:00.000-04:00

The girls made it through their first day of school last Tuesday. Ryann says she had a great day but is still figuring out the timing on getting to her locker and making her classes and the bus on time. Hopefully I don't get a call from her one day that says she missed the bus because she was at her locker. They aren't allowed to carry backpacks with them in the hallways, so they really have no choice but to go to their lockers in between classes. Ry doesn't go in between every class, but every couple. She'll figure it all out eventually. I just remember being in middle school and not ever going to my locker b/c it was inconvenient. I carried all of my books around in my deluxe LL Bean backpack. I'm surprised I didn't fall over from the weight of it all. My backpack was bigger than I was and probably weighed about the same too. I had to walk hunched over to accomodate for the extra weight on my back. No wonder I have back issues now. I'll just blame it all on middle school.

Madelyn had a great first day of Kindergarten too. She was asking to go out to the bus stop 30min before the bus was scheduled to get there. She was so excited. Her teacher called toward the end of the day to let me know that she had a great day and that she was her door holder that day. She loved that responsibility. What kid doesn't want to be "teacher's helper" though. Her teacher, Mrs. D, is expecting a baby any day now. They already have a long term substitute in line that is already working with the class. I love that the school had the forsight to prepare for that because transitioning to Kindergarten is hard enough for kids as it is, but throw in a teacher that will be going out on maternity leave almost immediately after school starts and that may just push some of the kids over the edge. Mrs. D, has high marks in my book so far. Madelyn got off the bus yesterday and threw up her arms and said, "I love school!" I hope it continues. It has with Ryann thus far. She thrives at school, and I hope that rubs off on MJ.

Hayden didn't start until yesterday (Monday). I was worried about him, but just a little bit. We took him to "Meet the Teacher" on Friday and he was a little withdrawn, and he was reluctant to get out of the car yesterday morning at car line. I wasn't able to pick him up from school due to a doctor's appointment but my mother in law picked him up and got a good report from his teachers. When I got home, I asked Hayden how school was and he said, "I liked it!" so as far as I'm concerned, that's a winning endorsement! I can only hope that the rest of the year goes by with minimal bumps in the road for our little guy.

Did You Know

2011-09-07T09:12:00.001-04:00

One of my friends posted this on facebook and I thought it was powerful enough to post here. Regardless of whether you are a kid in school or an adult in "the real world", people pass judgement without getting to know you. Try and get to know someone's story before you pass judgement.

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-30T04:09:00.000-04:00

Most of you know Hurricane Irene blew through the East Coast Saturday, Sunday, and into Monday. Fortunately for us, we survived with minimal damage to our house and property. We did lose a tree and some flashing off the side of the house, but that's about it. It could have been much worse and was much worse for many many people. There are thousands of people without power and they may not have power for up to 2wks due to all the damage from the winds of Irene. As this announcement came in the other night, I made the mistake of getting on Facebook and reading people's comments to this news or their status updates regarding this news, and I have to say that I'm appalled at the attitude so many are taking and continue to take in light of the events. I don't know if it's just that I have a low tolerance for BS during this pregnancy or what, but I find that I am bothered a lot more by people being rude and inconsiderate or just being stupid than I used to be. Before, I could let it roll off my back, but it's not so easy right now. I have read comments along the lines of, "Dominion Va Power doesn't care about their customers b/c they haven't put the power lines underground before now"; "rate increase will be next"; "that is UNACCEPTABLE. Dominion Power needs to actually spend some of there profit and get more linemen here NOW...."; and the list goes on and on. Thankfully, I will say that there were a lot of others who commented in defense of Dom Va Power and can see the light through the blinders that a lot of people seem to have on. I get that it's frustrating when the power goes out and it will take a while to get it back on, but they have people working basically around the clock, doing very dangerous work on little pay and little rest, to get power up and running for folks. Chances are, a lot of those people working to restore power, don't have power themselves. If you have enough time on your hands to start a FB hate page for Dom Va Power, then you have too much time on your hands. How about doing something productive like grabbing a chainsaw and going out to help the linemen cut down the trees and restore power? I can guarantee you won't because it requires hard and dangerous physical labor. I know it's miserable to be without power, I've been there. We were fortunate this time but haven't always been. My mother in law lost power for 11 days during Isabel and it could be that long this time for her too b/c her neighborhood sustained a lot of damage. She's complained a lot less than the people who lost theirs for a few hours or a day. I guess my point in venting is that people should be grateful that they have a home to restore power to and that they have a life to live at the end of the day b/c as of right now (the time I am writing this post), 35 people lost their lives to Irene and the number is still rising. Who knows how many have lost their homes?

A little girl...

2011-08-26T21:52:00.002-04:00

in need of prayer.

I would like to direct you all to a blog that is written by a friend of some of my friends. This young woman and her daughter need your prayers. She does a fabulous job educating her readers on her daughter's disease and it's progression. Her daughter needs all the prayers she can get and since I know my readers are really great at that, I thought I'd share it with you. Her story puts a lot into perspective, so please take a moment to visit her blog and read about their struggles and their continued faith.

http://niemannpick.blogspot.com/

Breaking Tradition

2011-08-16T06:57:00.003-04:00

All along, when picking out a name for this baby, I've wanted to make sure that we had a Y in the name and that it ended in an N, just like all of our other kids. I had this really great list of names posted on our refridgerator, seperated into girls and boys names and listed alphabetically. It's the same list I had for Fyn's pregnancy, only Fyn has been taken off of it now...obviously.

Everyone who saw it gave their opionions on the names. All of the names have Y's and end in N's. We are 99.99% certain that we have our little guy's names. It'll be hard to change it at this point because the kids are already calling baby K by his name. I leave that .01% open because we had a name for Madelyn all ready to go and ended up changing it close to the end of my pregnancy because Ryann got in the car one day and said, "I like the name Madelyn" and Kris and I were like, "huh, so do we". So I guess Ryann really named her sister. Hayden took forever to name and then we changed the spelling late in the pregnancy because no one could figure out what his name was without us telling them and he didn't have a Y in his name like his sisters did.

Now here we are naming our fifth child. The name was relatively easy to agree on. It's not even on our fridge list. Go figure. I'm not even sure how I saw it, I think I was on a baby name website and it popped up as suggested names to one I put in to see the meaning. I texted Kris and asked what he thought and he liked it, and I think I liked it more and more as I realized this little guy could have the same initials has his daddy without being a junior. Kris has always said that he doesn't like the idea of juniors so that has never been an option. So the traditional spelling of the name we picked does not have a Y in it but it can be put in it relatively easy. The problem is that the last 3 letters of the name would be GYN, and I just think it looks weird written out that way. The other way we could spell it with a Y is to make it phonetically correct but that looks ridiculous too. I think that if we spell it the traditional way there will be less confusion on whether it's a boy or girl name (yes it is a unisex name, we seem to go with one of those name every other pregnancy) and it would be hard to mispronounce his name if we spell it the traditional way.

Although the decision hasn't been finalized by any means, I think we may be breaking from our Y and N tradition and just sticking with the name ending in N. Chances are our little guy won't even notice the difference until he's much older and even if he does, hopefully, he won't feel left out but instead will feel special or unique in our family of so many. I know it's our job, as his parents, to make sure he doesn't feel left out and feels special, but sometimes when differences are pointed out, intentional or not, people do feel left out. It really isn't a hard decision. It's the difference between picking a name that I really like and a spelling that I don't. Baby has to live with this name all of his life and I'm not entirely sure he'd appreciate being called "OB" or "OB/GYN" just because his mom had to have a Y in his name which caused it to end in "GYN".

I'm slacking

2011-08-09T17:35:00.002-04:00

I know it's been 2wks since I updated. It's been busy around here. Both girls got to go on individual trips with Grandma and our babysitter had knee replacement surgery, s there has been a lot of schedule juggling going on and not a lot of free time available.

I had my 20wk ultrasound last friday. I had a lot of anxiety going into it. I played a lot of the "what if" game. What if they find something wrong with the baby, what if my fluid levels are crappy, what if my cervix is already starting to dilate? All things that I wouldn't have asked or thought to ask if I hadn't experienced a loss and if I wasn't a nurse. I wanted the reassurance before we go on vacation since we will be pretty far away from my doctor and hospital. Fortunately, everything looked great, and I'm comfortable going on vacation and am looking forward to it. Baby is measuring ahead by about 4-5 days now which is great and he is still a he. He's a mover and a shaker too. We started the u/s out head up and by the end we had moved from head up to transverse, to head down, back to transverse. It makes sense though since I feel like he moves all the time. Feeling him that much is awesome and really helps with my anxiety.

Everyone is getting excited about the baby, but I think the one I am most surprised at is Hayden. He has to "kiss and hug" the baby everyday before he goes down for naps and before he goes to bed at night. It's very sweet. He is apparently drawing the line at sharing a room with his brother though. He says he doesn't want to share his room with the baby, which is fine by us. I'm not entirely sure there would be a whole lot of sleep going on if that were the case and he's by far our best sleeper, so why disrupt it. So, over the next few months will be finishing off our extra bedroom that is across from Ryann's room. Madelyn will move up there and the baby will move into her room. Madelyn is excited about moving upstairs and being a "big girl". I would like to get her up there at least a month before the baby comes so that she doesn't feel like she's being shoved out of her room. We will see how well that works out.

All of these plans...now we have to find the time.

A Gift...

2011-07-26T11:03:00.003-04:00

Obviously last Friday was the gender reveal party coupled with my birthday party. Unfortunately, I was so tired after the party that I didn't open any of my presents. Kris did insist upon me opening my gifts from him though, so I did. I think I mentioned before that my camera lens was kaput (hence the lack of photos lathttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifely), so Kris bought me this great new lens so that I can get back into my picture taking. He also got me something else that means more to me than all the gifts (except my kids of course) that I could have been given. For a while now, I have been looking for a piece of jewelry to commemorate Fyn; however, I just never found anything that I loved until a few months ago. I found this necklace via Angie Smith's blog. It was designed with Angie's sweet Audrey Caroline in mind but could be customized for anyone. I sent the link to Kris back when I saw it and he bought it for me for my birthday. He had Fyn's initials engraved on the back of it for me and I love it. Angie said on her blog that she loved the weight of it always being around her neck. A constant reminder, if you will. I didn't think too much of those comments until I started wearing it. You know what? She was right. It's heaviness is a constant reminder and I love it. It also gets so warm around my neck. It's amazing. I love being able to play with it and just know that Fyn is so close to my heart all the time. Now I just need to figure out how to sneak it into the O.R. when I go for my c-section in December with this little guy who we are lovingly referring to as "Kegger" right now. That explanation will come later.

It's a...

2011-07-24T10:14:00.004-04:00

for those who didn't see on FB, it's a boy! We are very excited and are now onto discussing baby names. One of the things I was fearful of was/is that people are going to think, "oh this is a boy, that's great because the baby you lost was a boy" or even we had seen "pink" I would be fearful that people would ask if we would try again since this one wasn't a boy. It's still early yet and I may get those comments yet b/c a lot of people still don't know what we are having, but it will just have to something that I deal with. I think it's important for people to realize that this little one is not a replacement for Fyn. They are 2 separate people, one will just be here with us on earth and one will be watching over us and his little brother for eternity.

So for the big reveal, we had the gender reveal party/birthday party for my 33rd birthday (ack, when did I get so old?). I picked up our really fabulous cake from The Mixing Bowl bakery on Friday afternoon. It was tastefully decorated, which I will post pics eventually when I get copies of them and absolutely delicious! Kris and I cut into our cake together and it revealed blue icing in the middle. It was a really neat experience and to have 25+ people there to celebrate with us was amazing despite our downstairs A/C being on the fritz. For everyone who withstood the heat to be with us, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and love you all very much.

I'm sure posting this gender picture here is probably considered porn somewhere but here is the big reveal shot.

Summer Updates

2011-07-17T07:16:00.003-04:00

I've been so busy with just getting through the scary part of this pregnancy, that I haven't updated on the goings on with the other Morelli kids, so here goes...

Both girls have been swimming summer league for our neighborhood pool since the end of May. Both seem to be enjoying it quite a bit, especially Madelyn. Ryann has been improving on her times slightly, but she's missing a lot of practices b/c of other commitments. She took a writing class for a week at the end of June and then got to do a reading of her work at the Byrd Theater here in Richmond. She really enjoyed it and probably would have taken a class every day of the summer with the Richmond Young Writers. Click on Richmond Young Writers and you can read one of Ry's readings and see her picture under the post titled Works By Session Two Mornings. This past week, she completed her Middle School Orientation at her school for next school year. They showed them around the school, had them do some career quiz and do a presentation on it, and a plethera of other things. She seemed to enjoy that as well. I wish that they had given them their class schedule so they could see their classes, but that will happen in August which is quickly approaching. I can't believe how fast this summer is going by. As of Monday, Ry will be done with all swimming. She is not doing year round swim any longer and summer league ends on Monday. She is ready to focus on dance and her art. We got her dance schedule and fees in the mail last week and after having a small stroke when seeing the bill, I quickly realized that the bill was for the entire year and included costumes and not per semester as it has been for the last 8yrs. She will be taking Lyrical for the first time ever and Hip Hop again. She is looking forward to it.

I mentioned above that Madelyn is really enjoying swimming for the summer league. She has a competitive spirit in addition to be controlling and bossy. I think that has helped her with her major time drops in swimming this year. Since the first meet, Madelyn has consistently dropped 4-6 seconds in her freestyle stroke at every meet. I keep thinking she'll bottom out at some point, but so far she hasn't. I'm impressed. Last week, Ryann's head coach from her year round league came to coach at the summer league. He spoke with Madelyn and gave her some instruction on her back stroke. She actually listened to what he had to say and put it into practice. After practice she said, "I like him, he is a nice old man". I busted out laughing and then asked her if she wanted to continue swimming when school started. She does, so we are going to see about how to do that. She is too young for year round league and I wouldn't do that to her right now until she says she wants to. Quest (Ry's year round league) offers lessons and stroke schools, so on Monday, MJ is going to be evaluated to see if she is better off with lessons or if she can do the stroke school. She also wants to do gymnastics. We told her she could start that when summer swim was over; however, b/c of vacations and stuff in August, we will wait until the school year starts.

As for Hayden. Well....he's still Hayden. A live wirer that goes 150mph all the time. He wants to wrestle and push buttons and be obnoxious to his sisters all day long and he has been quite successful at it. We are definitely having an issue with his behavior and smart mouth right now. He needs something to expend his energy on. He's not old enough for a lot of things yet, but he can do gymnastics and swim lessons. I think that is what we are going to do for him in the fall. It's important that he learns to swim because he has no fear and he already has the forward motion in the pool, he just needs to be instructed on how to put it all together. Gymnastics will help with expending some of the energy he has. The running, jumping, and climbing will do wonders, I'm sure.

On the adult front...We had an ultrasound yesterday. It was 2D/3D/4D. It was really neat to see the baby in 4D. We haven't ever done that before. The kids were in awe as they projected the images on the wall for all to see. Hayden and Madelyn said that that was their baby brother on the screen. The tech got the potty shots before showing us the rest of the baby on screen. He put the potty shots in an envelopes and sealed them which we took one to the bakery and have the others at home to verify that the bakery doesn't make mistakes. ;) I have to say, that I am inclined to agree with Madelyn and Hayden (Kris too) that this is another little guy, especially after the tech said that he got the potty shots immediately because baby was in perfect position and it was obvious. Either way, it's a happy time and as long as this little one arrives healthy and happy in December, I'm good. We'll know for sure on Friday whether we will even out the Morelli house or if it will forever remain uneven. ;)

So, there you have it.

17 weeks

2011-07-14T07:48:00.003-04:00

Well, I made it. We are officially passed the time that we lost Fyn. My anxiety has really been at an all time high, so here's to hoping that it will decrease over the next few weeks. I have an ultrasound on Sunday and another on August 5th, so that should help me get through the next few weeks.

As I was driving to work at 530a yesterday morning, I couldn't help but think that 7mos ago at this point in my pregnancy, Kris and I were driving to the hospital to have the procedure that would remove my son's lifeless body from mine. It was a really heart wrenching time, and if I could have avoided thinking about it at all, I probably would have, but I doubt that that would have been healthy. I've spent so much of this pregnancy trying to specifically focus on the positive that I've pushed a lot of my feelings about Fyn's pregnancy to the background. Well, I'm relatively certain that they all pushed their way to the forefront this week. Where my heart palpitations have stopped, knock wood, the headaches have not and my sleep, that had been improving, is crap again and I think it's affecting Kris' sleep as well. I ended up sleeping on the couch last night to see if Kris would sleep better, and he did. :/ I will see if I have some improvements over the coming days. I know I've said it before, but I just didn't think it would be this hard. Life lesson learned. I'm not trying to wish time away, especially because this will be my last pregnancy but there is a huge part of me that wishes it were December already.

Some things to look forward to though are my ultrasounds and finding out whether we are having a boy or a girl. Reviews are mixed as to what I'm having. Kris has gone from saying boy to girl and now back to boy, so has Madelyn. Ryann has said girl all along but informed my last night that she is started to think boy. Hayden wants a brother, that's it. Madelyn says she wants a boy so that Hayden has a playmate while she's gone to school. :) She's sweet like that even though they fight like cats and dogs. My friends are mixed with the fast majority saying boy. I on the other hand, have no inclination at all. With my girls, I didn't have that aha moment until the day of the ultrasound, and I just knew they were girls, with Hayden, I knew he was a boy from the time the 2 lines popped up on that stick. I think part of my issue this time around, is that I don't trust my instincts and am tamping them down a bit. With Fyn, I was so sure he was a girl and boy was I wrong. I will so that if I had to lean one way with this pregnancy, I would say 60/40 it's a girl. Either way, it doesn't matter. This child will be deeply loved regardless of whether or not s/he has boy bits or girl bits.

As for how we are finding out, we are taking part in the semi-obnoxious new traditions of gender reveal cakes. We won't be having a baby shower this time around b/c this is our 4th, we already have boy and girl things, and there are very few things we need, so we have invited our friends and family over for my birthday next Friday to find out with us when we cut into my birthday cake. I think it'll be fun and am excited for it. Now I just have to hope that the baby will cooperate on Saturday for the ultrasound.

16 weeks

2011-07-07T05:03:00.000-04:00

I'm 16wks today. This week starts what was one of the worst weeks of my life in my pregnancy with Fyn. I have always been anxious about this point in the pregnancy but I don't think I realized just how anxious I was. As we've gotten closer to this week, the heart palpitations of gotten more frequent, the headaches and become more frequent and harder to control, the sleep is sporadic at best, and when I do sleep, I've been waking up with a sore jaw due to clenching my teeth all night. It's not a great place to be in but I realize that it comes with the territory of pregnancy after loss. I keep telling myself that once I get passed this week, I will relax. Kris says I won't. I'm hoping to at least relax some. There will always be another milestone to reach until the ultimate goal in December of holding my little one in December. On Monday, I will be 16wk 4 days which is the point that I realized that Fyn's heart had stopped and it was confirmed at the Dr's appt. the next day at 16wk 5days, which will be Tuesday. I really really need to get passed these days, and I'm hoping that keeping busy with work and swim team will help keep me distracted.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

2011-07-03T05:07:00.000-04:00

Saw this poem the other day and that it was very moving and poignant. I'm pretty sure I've touched on a lot of these feelings here in the last 7 months. Geez 7 months, how is that possibly. It seems like an eternity ago and it seems like just yesterday.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others’ eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have walked in these shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

~Author unknown

This too shall pass...

2011-07-01T07:45:00.003-04:00

When I was in high school, I met this girl who would go on to become one of my best friends growing up. She had a brother and sister that were about the same distance apart and Madelyn and Hayden. The first time I went to her house, her brother and sister were wrestling around on their living room floor "playing" until someone got hurt and the sister got peeved enough to up and bite the brother in the crotch. I remember thinking at the time, "OMG, what is wrong with those kids". Now, I often look at my kids (Madelyn and Hayden that is) and think, "OMG, those are MY kids"!!! I realize it's a phase and that brothers and sisters are going to fight, but wow. I didn't actually think that I'd ever count down to one of my kids starting kindergarten but I have gotten to that point with Madelyn. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my baby girl to grow up, but I do want a break from the constant bickering and them being apart is the only way I foresee that happening. I swear, if I didn't know better, their personalities could be described as bipolar when they are togther. One minute that are fine and playing and the next one of them is swinging at the other making the other one cry. If they aren't doing that, I have one calling the other one a name and then the other one lashing out. For example, as we are in Costco last night, they are running around like banshees (because I can't pick Hayden up and contain him in the shopping cart due to my restrictions)...at one point they were playing and MJ ran into the back of Hayden thus knocking him down. So out of his mouth, what do I hear, "Maddie pushed me down". I responded with "No she didn't, she ran into you and you fell, she didn't push you". Madelyn decided to add her two cents and say, "Hayden, you're acting like a pinhead" (she got that phrase from Kris) to which he sticks out his tongue at her and says "get over it" (which he got from me). We had quite an audience for yet another display of our stellar parenting skills. I'm sure the witnesses to this exchange were appalled at their behavior, but I honestly don't care. If they were running around and throwing things off the shelves, it would be a bigger deal, or if they were calling other customers names, I'd be worried but they were directing their anger at each other and I can only hope that some of those people were snickering and thinking, "oh, I'm glad it's not just my kids". Again...I do realize that it's a phase and it'll pass to an extent, I also realize that their will always be sibling bickering in this house, I am just hoping that they'll be able to contain themselves better in public in the future.

I'm a prude and a hypocrite

2011-06-29T08:25:00.003-04:00

Recently The Barksdale Theater here in Richmond sponsored a flash mob thing at the Science Museum of Virginia. Most people signed up on facebook, I think. It was definitely a neat idea. I've enjoyed watching the ones posted on Youtube, so I thought it was neat that they did one here in Richmond. From the video, they had quite a few participants, men, women and children of all ages. So here is where I'm going to be a prude. The song that they chose to do their dance/flash mob to was Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream". As a mother to an impressionable 11 1/2yr old, the last thing I'd want her to witness was a flash mob to a song that's lyrics include "Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans Be your teenage dream tonight". Now, I don't really have anything against the song. In case you are wondering, this is where I'm a hypocrite. I have this song on my ipad/ipod and know all the lyrics. I like most of Katy Perry's stuff. I, however, am not 11yrs old. My beef is not with the song though, because as parent's, it is our job to monitor what our kid's listen to and watch. My beef is with the Barksdale Theater's choice in songs to do a flash mob to at The Science Museum. A place where there are kids all over the place. A place where people pay to get in to and don't want to be forced to leave because a group of people made a poor choice in songs to do a flash mob to. It's a little harder to control what your kids listen to when you are caught off guard in that type of situation. It's easier to reach up and flip the radio channel when you are in the car than it is to control that situation. Maybe I'm overreacting. That's fine. It's just my opinion. I'm just glad that Kris didn't take the kids down there that day while I was working.

Anxiety

2011-06-23T05:33:00.000-04:00

I know that I touched on the fact that a new pregnancy is not a quick fix for grief over losing another child. The closer I get to the 16/17 week mark, the more anxious I get and the weirder my dreams get. I was just a little over 16wks when we discovered Fyn's heart stopped and although the circumstances are different this time around, my anxiety is still peaking. 16wks is just around the corner for me. A meer 2wks away. At this point with Fyn, I was playing the waiting game. I new the blood work was bad, and I was waiting for the point when I could safely have the amnio. It was a lot of waiting and a lot of turmoil. I felt like it dragged on forever. I have to admit that this pregnancy is going a lot faster. I guess the fact that I've been monitored so closely, had multiple ultrasounds and my testing came back okay helps, and yet I sit and wonder. I should be only focusing on the positive, and I try to for the most part, but it's really hard not to compare the two pregnancies and think about the what ifs. I try not to do that too often because I really do only want to focus on the positive stuff. I've said before that although I may not always agree with whatever plan God has in store for me, for us, there's a reason behind it and if the reason is a healthy baby boy or girl in December than I will be grateful for that while continuing to mourn the loss of my beloved son. I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress. My relationship with God is constantly evolving, and I'm trying to learn to accept some very difficult lessons that I have been faced with. These lessons are increasing my anxiety and causing me a lot of worry, but again, if the end result is us holding a beautiful "rainbow" in 6mos, then I'll take it.

A thump on the head

2011-06-21T05:16:00.000-04:00

In the midst of everything going on with my grandfather's passing and driving down to FL and back, Ryann graduating from 5th grade (not sure what that's all about, I only got to graduate from high school), swim team starting up, etc... Kris' car died. Or I should say, started to die, it's a slow death apparently. The car is 1998 CRV with 200,000+ miles on it. I knew it was coming, but we were hoping to milk it another year or so because our other car will be paid off in August and we would have been car payment free for a year or more. That would have been ideal. Last Wednesday the mechanic finally looked at the car and told us that the cost to repair everything wrong with it would be more money than the car is worth. He gave us the option to try this stuff that may help us milk the car a bit longer. We tried it...it didn't work. Last Friday it all came to head. Kris spent most of the morning and then most of the afternoon sitting on the side of the road. I believe the car dying was God's way of thumping us on the head for our stupidity thinking we could drive around with just one car that would accommodate our soon to be family of 6. So we went from being a 2 SUV family to a minivan and SUV family. If you had asked me 5 or 6yrs ago if I would have gotten a minivan, I would have told you that there was no way in h*ll that I would ever buy a minivan. Oh my how things change. Here we are 2 kids (plus one on the way) later and we now have a minivan which I have to say that I love so far. I guess I have to remember that my plan may not always be God's plan and he has a way of making things fall into place as they should even if we don't agree with it or think that that is how it's supposed to happen.

Not a Quick Fix

2011-06-18T06:46:00.000-04:00

While this pregnancy has gone a long way in helping me with my healing process, it's not a quick fix. For those that think a new pregnancy will make a loss all better...I say to you, think again. I worry constantly and there is always something new to worry about it. At first it was..."is there going to be a heartbeat". With the spotting I was having, I really was worried that there wouldn't be. Once we knew there was a heartbeat, the worry went to the NT Scan and what the results would be, but before I could even get to that, I had the bleed. So then I'm worrying if there is something wrong with the baby and what the NT results are going to be. Once we get through the u/s to check the bleed and find that it is small and things seem okay, I focus on just worrying about the NT Scan. Once the NT scan was over, I worried about the results of the blood work. Now that I have the blood work back and all is well on that front, I'm back to worrying about "when will I bleed again" because of the hematoma and also worried about making it to that 16wk-17wk mark where we lost Fyn. I'm feeling a bit like a ticking time bomb. I'm sure after the hematoma is gone and we make it to 17wks, there will be a whole new set of worries. So while I/we are extremely excited about this baby and very much looking forward to December (which has been a long time coming), a new pregnancy doesn't make all your worries go away, especially when you've had a loss. When we decided to try again, I knew that I was ready to be pregnant again. I also knew that I wouldn't have a worry free pregnancy. Dr. R even told me that he would worry the entire time. I know that I was hoping that this pregnancy would go smoothly, with no complications, but I guess that wasn't in the plans. But you know what? I'm incredibly grateful to be here today and pregnant with this little life growing inside of me. So through all the worries and scares, I know that this is a good place to be and that I have come a long way to get here.

Rainbows

2011-06-14T05:49:00.001-04:00

They say...after a storm comes a rainbow...

April 12th:

I got this:

Our little Rainbow Baby is on the way. Surprised? I was a little but so very pleased.

April 22nd:

I had my first ultrasound at 5wks 4days due to bleeding. We found no cause for the bleeding and the u/s showed a sac, yolk sac, and a fetal pole all in the right place and looking great.

May 18th:

I got this:

I haven't been so nervous going into an ultrasound in my entire life. I was close to tears on the table as I asked the u/s tech whether there was a heartbeat or not. There was, beating right along at 179BPM. I was 8wks 5days pregnant but measuring 8wks 6days, so my due date was set at December 22nd.

May 21st:

Fyn's due date. Kris and I bought this for the baby:

Being pregnant made Fyn's due date a little less painful but it was definitely not easy to get through. I struggled and still struggle with the guilt of being so happy about this pregnancy and so sad about the loss of Fyn. This is also the date that I found this little baby's heartbeat on my doppler for the first time.

May 27th:

I had another u/s at 10wks 1 day to check on the baby due to some spotting I was having. We found no reason for the spotting other than maybe over exertion from having to carry Hayden out of Maymont Park in 90 degree weather. The baby was fine and completely oblivious to mommy's issues and anxiety. Heart beating away at 182BPM.

June 6th:

I had a pretty profound bleed while watching the girl's swim practice. It was very scary because it continued for close to 5hrs. I spent the evening debating on whether to go to the ER or not. After speaking to the on call doctor and after the bleeding letting up some, I decided to wait until I could see my doctor in the morning. I was able to find the baby's heart beat on the doppler, so I knew that he/she was okay for the time being.

June 7th:

I got these pictures of our little rainbow baby.

She/he wasn't being very cooperative and wouldn't let the u/s tech get a measurement on his/her heartrate. After a few tries, the u/s tech finally captured the heart rate and it was 171BPM. We also discovered that I have what is called a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. That is a bleed/blood clot between the placenta and uterus. They can be dangerous, but I am fortunate that this one is small and not threatening the pregnancy thus far. I was told to take it easy and to expect more bleeding spotting over the next couple of weeks until it resolves.

June 9th:

Kris' birthday and the date of our NT Scan. Yes, we decided to go through with it again even though that is when we discovered something was wrong with Fyn. Rainbow's nuchal fold measurement was well within normal limits, but we've been down that road before. We still had to wait for the blood work results before we could finally breath a bit.

June 13th:

Doctor R called to let me know that our blood work was good and our risks for trisomies is very low. So, coming off of Fyn's pregnancy where this was the point that we found out something was wrong, hearing good news was huge for us. So for now, we continue to take deep breaths and take this one day at a time and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy...nausea and all. ;)

No one wants to know...

2011-06-12T07:08:00.001-04:00

There's a show on abc family called Secret Life of an American Teenager that I used to watch pretty regularly the first season it was on. After a while I couldn't take hearing "sex" be every other word coming out of the teen's mouths. I get that it's a part of life but I can't recall ever talking about sex that much with my friends in high school. Maybe I'm a prude. Anyway, I had heard that last week's episode (and if you watch the show, this will be a spoiler so stop reading here) dealt with still birth, so I sought it out on youtube first and only found the ending. I eventually realized that you can watch the full episode on abcfamily.com, so I did. After watching the show and crying my eyes out (should know better by now but was curious to see how they'd portray it since everything else on the show is so over the top), I read some of the viewer comments on the abc boards. Wow, just wow. I can't believe the ignorance of some people. There were comments like, "I will never watch the show again, they shouldn't have killed the baby" and comments like, "that stuff doesn't happen, why did they write the show like that", and my favorite comment was something along the lines of, "they are good people, their baby shouldn't have died". Why do people react like this? Is it because we don't want to know the truth? That it does happen? Ignorance must be bliss in this situation. The show actually did a very good job without being graphic. My favorite line at the end of the show was said by "the would be grandpa". He said, "Ben and Adrian will never be the same". Those sentiments have echoed through my mind religiously for the last 6 months. He's absolutely right. They'll never be the same, neither will anyone who has been through a loss like that or any loss really. Back to the ignorant comments. I can't help but think that some of these naive individuals who post idiotic comments like the ones above, may actually be in that situation or know someone in that situation in the future. I'm not wishing it on anyone, so don't get me wrong, just stating a fact. It does happen. It happens to good people. People that didn't do anything wrong. Yes, even with all the modern medicine in the world, stillbirth, and fetal death still happens. Medicine is not a perfect science. It's more of an art form. You try and put all the pieces together until they fit. It's trial and error and bad things, unpreventable things do happen and it sucks.

I know it's been a while...

2011-06-08T22:30:00.002-04:00

but it's been kind of crazy around here. I'd appreciate it if you could say a few prayers for my family, especially my aunts and uncles and my grandfather's wife as the mourn the loss of him. I know he's at peace now and with my mom, which I'm sure both are thrilled about but that still leaves everyone else here on earth to not only grieve but also to celebrate his life.

Buzz Cuts a right of passage?

2011-06-03T10:09:00.003-04:00

During the hot summer months we see so many little boys with buzz cuts and mohawks, do you think it's a right of passage? I was always scared to buzz Hayden's hair for fear that he'd look funny, plus he never complains about his hair anyway. We generally keep his hair short b/c it's so thick and has a lot of cowlicks so if it gets long, it gets out of control and looks unkempt. With it being 95+ degrees here in May this week and watching my little boy sweat until his hair was matted to his head, I decided to bite the bullet and buzz his hair for the summer. Plus I was getting sick of paying for hair cuts every 4wks. We got to Pigtails and Crewcuts the other day and there was a little boy in front of us getting his hair buzzed. I asked Hayden if that's what he wanted and he said "no". I have to admit, I didn't want it that short either, so I chickened out a little bit. LOL. When it came to our turn I had the stylist go a little longer with Hayden's than a "true buzz". To my pleasant surprise, the cut looks great and will be super easy to maintain this summer. Here are a couple pictures.

Before:

After:

A letter

2011-05-31T05:19:00.000-04:00

I want to share an email with you that someone (a stranger) from my May 2011 Due Date board wrote me write after I lost Fyn. The letter meant a lot to me then and means a whole lot more to me now than I ever thought it would. I'm so grateful to her for sharing her story and for giving me a little bit hope and light at such a very dark time in my life.

I hadn't been back to the May buddy group but once until today. I was due May 13th and suffered an early loss. I saw your post and although I almost never write to anyone, I felt compelled to write to you. I lost a baby at 16 wks on Nov 17th 2000. I was 32 years old and it was my 4rth pg. I had never had any miscarriages before, and to say I was devastated was an understatement. I didn't stop crying for 3 weeks after. I feared I would never fall pg and carry another baby to full term. The doctors were never able to tell me why I lost my daughter. They couldn't even tell me for sure it was a girl..but I knew. It all felt so surreal. One minute I was wearing maternity clothes and the next I was at the picture place having our family photo done in regular clothes as if it had never happened at all. After the first few weeks people stopped talking about the loss, and I didn't bring it up. I suffered in silence and felt very alone. It's not an early loss, and it's not so late that you have a funeral. People still call it a miscarriage, but I saw my baby sucking it's thumb at almost 13 wks! I felt flutters at 14 wks. My baby was a real baby, and it existed. I never had the option of keeping the remains...at least they never gave me the option. Closure was very difficult. All the tests came back inconclusive because they said the tissue had been contaminated. I still think about that baby...even now 10years later. I know right now you can't understand why this happened, and honestly there is no reason that will ever really make sense or make the pain go away. I hated it when people would say things like it was for the best. Some people would tell me that I was lucky that I had 3 beautiful healthy children. Almost as if I was being selfish and greedy for wanting more?? People don't know what to say. Even the people closest to you. Forgive them. Ask them for a hug instead.

The reason I am writing to you is so that you know that it will become easier, as time passes. It doesn't seem like it right now. Your body mind and soul aches for your little one. You probably can't even think about being pg again. I don't know whether you have decided to try again. It will take awhile to absorb everything that's happened.

We did decide to try again and I fell pg 4 months after the loss and had my beautiful Benjamin a few weeks before Christmas. He just turned 9 and he is so amazing! I look at him and know that had I not lost that other pregnancy he wouldn't exist, as it would never have been possible for him to have been conceived. I can honestly say.... I don't regret now how things turned out.....because I want him here. I know I would have loved my daughter, but something went wrong, and out such horrific tragedy came one of the best things that ever happened to me. Whatever happens in your future, know that there should be no reason that you can't go on to have more children and that this horrible pain will lessen. If you decide to try and fall pg again, it will not be easy. I was a wreck until after 24 wks and I knew he could have a chance of survival if he were born. I had an uncomplicated, wonderful pg. If you ever want to talk, please don't hesitate to send me a PM. I truly hope my message helps in some way. I felt so alone back then...my heart goes out to you, your Dh and your children.

If you ever feel like your story is worthless or wouldn't help anyone, my wish for you is that you know that that isn't true. Someone out there will truly appreciate hearing your story and it may just help someone else in their recovery.

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

Another powerful video from church.

To my grandfathers, to my uncles, to my cousins, to my father, and to my friends...There are no better words than "Thank You" and "God Bless".

Some Good Updates

2011-05-26T05:07:00.000-04:00

First up: MJ and Hayden. Both are finishing up preschool this week. That's crazy. Madelyn actually graduates Thursday night. She was crying in the car Wednesday after school because she's going to miss her teacher. Hayden is just kind of taking it all in stride as usual. The transition will definitely be harder on Madelyn. It always is. Madelyn will start swim team with Ryann next week. I'm hoping that she retained enough from last summer to do okay. I guess time will tell. We plan on getting Hayden involved with the mini-Marlin program if he's ready. If not, we will just opt for swim lessons at the pool. That's exciting stuff.

Next up: Ryann. She still has a couple more weeks of school left just yet. She's in the middle of her SOL (Standards of Learning) testing right now. Hopefully she does well because there hasn't been a whole lot of studying going on. She's a smart girl though, I don't doubt she will do well. Her 5th grade graduation is in the middle of June, right before school lets out for the summer. She's also gearing up for summer swim team and winding down her year long swimming. She won't compete with the year long team during the summer because she's just ready to be done and it'll end in August. Obviously she won't be restarting in the fall because she wants to focus on her dance and art and with starting middle school all of that plus swimming would be too much. No sense in stressing a soon to be 12yr old out, right?

Next up: Me. I had some repeat blood work done last week to make sure everything is "getting back to normal" and that I am in a good place health wise. I am so happy to say all my blood work came back normal!!!!! That includes my hemoglobin and hematocrit! It only took 5 months but there you have it. That's a huge sigh of relief you from me, and I'm thrilled about it.

Finally: Kris. Not too much to update here. He's still enjoying his job and is thinking about running the marathon in the fall. The last time he ran it, he came down with bronchitis and was sick the entire month before. Lets hope that if he does decide to do it that he can stay healthy. He never gets sick, so it would figure that it would happen when it did.

What we did

2011-05-24T05:43:00.000-04:00

Since Kris and I had our weekend free thanks to my aunt and uncle, we took advantage of it and did some things we don't really ever get the luxury to do. We opted not to go anywhere but stay at home (it's free and kid free) and just take a day trip. So after we sent the kids off with my aunt Friday night (where I'm told that they bickered the entire 2hr car ride to her house, but thanks to growing up with 4 brothers and sisters, she was able to tune them out), Kris and I decided to use a gift card that we got at Christmas and go see a movie. I cannot tell you when the last time we saw a movie together was without the kids. The last movie we actually saw together was Harry Potter but Ryann was with us, so going alone was nice. We saw Thor. I was pleasantly surprised. I'll admit that the action hero movies are not usually my style but I like Iron Man and the Fantastic Four, so why not give it a shot, right? It worked out; although, Kris and I came out of the theater a little deafer than we already are. After that, we came home and made milkshakes. :) On Saturday, we took our time getting moving. I slept in until 7am (which is sleeping in for me) and Kris slept until 9 (that doesn't happen in this house...EVER). Once we finally got it together, we decided to go to Williamsburg for the day. We went to the outlet malls and did some shopping (all day, Kris was a trooper). We bought something for all of the kids (of course) and Kris and I got a couple things too. I was tempted to buy myself a purse at the Coach outlet but I almost had a panic attack at spending that much money on a purse, even if it was heavily discounted. We also enjoyed some Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream from the Ben and Jerry Ice Cream shop. After the day spent shopping we needed fuel to get home, so we opted for the local Japanese Steakhouse. I wasn't too sure about trying a new place since my favorite one is here in Richmond, but I bit the bullet after driving around for 20min before I could make up my mind. It was awesome. I must say that the girl sitting next to me was a nutcase though. I know, not nice, sorry. After dinner, we headed home. Both of us pretty much crashed once home. On Sunday, we slept in some more until my interim boss called to chat. Not really how I wanted to start my Sunday morning, but it is what it is. After showering and eating Sunday morning we went out and did something that I never thought we would do together. It was Kris' turn to be pleasantly surprised. After that adventure, we got the call from my aunt that they were on their way to Farmville, Va (which is where we were meeting up to reclaim our kids). We headed that way and a short hour later we had 3 kids that didn't want to come home with us back in our car. They were exhausted and had had a blast. The were quiet on the ride home but the only one that passed out was Ryann. Hayden and Madelyn watched their movie and regrouped from their weekend. They were more than ready for bed a few short hours later.

In the months leading up to this weekend and Fyn's due date, I was convinced that I had to get away. We HAD to go somewhere. Somewhere away from the reminders. You know what I learned this weekend...?

That getting away wasn't what I needed. Just spending time with Kris and keeping myself distracted is what I needed. Being together and focusing on each other was the most important part of the weekend. It something that we seldom do. Of course we thought about and talked about Fyn. I sat in my chair by the window and looked at his tree most of the morning on Saturday. I wondered about the what ifs and the what might have beens. I thought about the sayings: "God has a plan" and "There is a reason for everything". I didn't necessarily come up with the answers or even come to any conclusions, but I thought about it and realized that even though I don't like or agree with it, there is probably some truth to those statements.

Due Date

2011-05-21T07:01:00.005-04:00

Today is Fyn's due date. I thought I was going to be able to sit down and write a letter to him and post it here, but I can't. Not just yet. I have so much turmoil going on inside of me right now that I don't think that I could get it all out coherently. It's so incredibly tough to put it all down on paper (or on computer in this case). There's so much to say but the inability to say it the way I want to is where I'm running into trouble. So, I will leave you all with these thoughts. On Fyn's due date, know how much I loved him and wanted him to be here with us. I'm so incredibly heart broken that he didn't get the opportunity to harass is brother and sisters. When I look at Hayden, I sit and wonder if that is what Fyn would have looked like too. Would he have had the blond hair and blue eyes and knobby knees that his brother has or would he have favored the girls more. The not-knowing, the always wondering is so hard. Know that even though we want another child, s/he will never be a replacement for Fyn. Fyn will always be missing from our lives. We will always wonder about him and his brothers and sisters will know about him and will learn what happened as they get older. It's as much a part of their lives as it is of Kris' and mine. Know that, as time goes by, wounds do heal, but they will always remain there. Something will tear them open occasionally when least expected and we have to learn to deal with it, we learn to live with it. 6yrs down the road, I will still remember this day, regardless of what is going on in my life and where I am. That goes for December 9th as well. Those dates will never be forgotten for us. Ask anyone who has been in my shoes, they will tell you the same.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will be lighting a candle for 1hr at 7pm for Fyn, please light a candle for anyone, including yourself, that you know that has lost a baby.

Here's a song, via youtube since I can't figure out how to get it from my itunes account to here, that has meant so much to me. I haven't been ready to share it here before today.

This Weekend

2011-05-19T05:34:00.000-04:00

We are shipping the kids off to my aunt's and uncle's house this weekend since they so very graciously offered to take them. They have a lot planned for them to do, so I think the kids will be nice and worn out by Sunday. We are meeting my aunt in Farmville (about halfway b/t our 2 houses) to drop them with her on Friday. I know the kids are going to have a great time and will get to see a lot of my family that they haven't really gotten to see since Christmas. We all only live about 2hrs away from each other but it's amazing how hard it is to get together. Our lives just get so busy and before you know it, you're another year older and you are seeing everyone at Christmas again. I wish there was a way to find a better balance. Kris and I haven't decided what we are going to do yet. Nothing like waiting to the last minute. We'll just play it by ear and let what happens happen. Might be tough on me since I like things planned out. Hopefully I will come back with pictures from whatever adventure we decide to take...my camera has been acting up lately and it's very frustrating for me because I love taking pictures. Hence the lack of MCP pictures being posted lately. Say a little prayer for my aunt and uncle as they tackle my 3 little ones this weekend.

More than a Miscarriage

2011-05-17T05:07:00.000-04:00

Do to some changes at my job, we are in between Facility Administrators (FA). Because of this, we have an interim FA. I'm taking some time off this week because Fyn's due date is coming very soon. The interim FA asked me why I was taking time off (it was approved before he took over), so I asked him if he was aware of what happened to me back in December. He said, "Oh, you just had a miscarriage, right?" Okay, first of all..."Ouch". Actually hearing those words were like a knife in the heart and it actually made me flinch. Thinking about it now makes me cringe. Secondly...Technically, because Fyn died prior to 20wks, it is classified as a miscarriage but really...it was so much more than that. He was my son. I knew he was a boy. I had seen him moving and kicking around in my belly on numerous ultrasounds. I had felt his movements, his hiccups, and I loved him. "Yes...it was a 'miscarriage'...No, I didn't 'just have a miscarriage'...I may not have gotten to meet my son or hold him or love on him, but he was real and he died and I have his ashes in an urn at my house". So after I explained what happened and answered how far along I was twice, I'm pretty sure that he realized that it was so much more than "just a miscarriage".

Mother's Day Weekend

2011-05-15T05:25:00.002-04:00

As we all know, Mother's Day weekend was this past weekend. It was a very busy weekend between Ryann's dance recital, having to work some and the events of Mother's Day. We made it through though. I won't lie, it wasn't easy. I couldn't help but think that I should have been celebrating my mother and that I should have been feeling our latest addition moving around in my stomach and getting ready for is impending birth. Maybe it's denial, I don't know, but I did spend some of the weekend trying to shove those thoughts to the back of mind and for the most part, it worked, until Sunday rolled around. Then all bets were off. But again, I made it through and lived to tell about it. Here are some pictures of our weekend.

Ryann's dance recital was Saturday night at 6pm. She only took one class this year and it was hip hop and for the first time ever, she was the baby in the class. She did great and is looking forward to taking more classes in the fall. She's going to continue with hip hop for the 3rd year in a row and also add in Lyrical. She just completed her 8th year dancing for Jessica Morgan School of Dance.

Doesn't this picture just scream, "Take the damn picture mom"?

Ryann and Grandpa Lee

Sunday morning started off like any other Sunday. We got up, got the kids ready, rushed out the door 10min before church started (thankfully, we live 2min from the church) and enjoyed a great service. At one point during the service, the band (yes, I said band) and singers sang "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift and I just lost it. I mean CRYING. I've cried in church before, but this was hard to control. Thankfully, I've mastered crying silently, and I wasn't the only mother in there crying. I will be forever grateful that they didn't show the video b/c silent crying may not have been an option at that point. Phew. Kris leaned over at one point and asked if I was okay. After church, and like the good kids we are, I rushed out to buy plants for Kris' mom and step-mom. We got the cards but forgot the dang plants. We bought Forget-Me-Not plants in honor of Fyn. While the kids were napping and we were waiting the arrival of everyone, our cat, Diego, happened to be chasing a bird outside and said bird flew into our house when Kris unknowingly opened the door. I have mentioned here before that I don't like birds, right? Yeah. There was a lot of screaming (mostly on my part) going on as the bird flew around the house. Here he is hiding behind our entertainment center:

After numerous attempts and many flies into our windows, we finally got the bird to fly out of our front door. I was a little fearful that we'd never get him out. At least he didn't dive bomb my head.

After the bird escaped and still while the little ones were napping, Fyn's tree got planted thanks to the efforts of Kris, my step-father, Larry, and my father in law, Lee. Kris and I bought this tree on Saturday after making a few trips to various greenhouses to find it. Apparently Weeping Willows are popular. Here are the pictures of Fyn's tree being planted:

This is what the women did while the men worked. I was taking pictures.

After all of the hard work was done, we went out to dinner at a local restaurant so that we didn't have to attempt to cook for all of the various levels of vegetarians in our family.

Hayden enjoying some time with Grandpa Lee and Grandma Mary

Madelyn wanted me to take a picture of her tooth (the 2nd lost one that is)

And Ryann with mascara still under her eyes from the night before. She thought it looked good. Oh boy.

All in all, it wasn't a bad weekend. Just busy.

Fyn's Tree

2011-05-14T06:16:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you a little more about Fyn's tree in another post but for now, here's a picture.

We still need to mulch around the bottom, but I'm grateful that it's in the ground and that I can sit in my favorite chair in the house and see it out of the window.

Blogger Issues

2011-05-13T16:17:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the lack of posts guys but Blogger has been down for 2 days and unfortunately all my posts (and anyone else using blogger) that I had set to go out have been deleted for a short time and blogger is restoring them one by one. It could be tomorrow before they are restored. Bear with me until they get the issue fixed. Thanks.

And he bounces back...

2011-05-10T11:47:00.002-04:00

So after being kind of out of it most of yesterday, Hayden has bounced back and is his usual wide open self. The conversation on our way to take MJ to preschool this morning consisted of "Mommy, Hayden's copying me" and "You're a poopy butt Maddie". He has been eating non-stop this morning and has also been singing all morning and just hanging out beside me in the chair playing with the ipad.

Update on Hayden

2011-05-09T17:25:00.006-04:00

We got to the surgery center at a quarter to 9 and it was packed. It was like an assembly line of kids going in and out. All they were missing was the conveyor belt to put them on. So, after waiting for over an hour at the surgery center, we were finally taken to the back at 10. They did all his pre-op stop and we spoke to the nurse, the doctor and the anesthesiologist all while Hayden did this:

They came and walked him back to the OR with his blanket and pacifier (yes, he still has one at night, we're working on it). He walked back there without any fuss or anything and Kris and I headed back into the waiting area. We were in the waiting area for about 20-25 minutes when Dr. S came out and said he did great. He said Hayden had one of the smallest nasal passages he'd ever seen and that his adenoids were quite large. He seems to think at this point that the tubes are just an insurance policy and that the adenoids may have been the bulk of his issues. Only time will tell on that. We weren't allowed back to the recovery room until about 45min after he came out of surgery. When we got back there, this is what we saw:

Pitiful, isn't he. He was miserable. He was refusing everything offered to him. Water, Popsicle, slushy, etc... We were told not to force it. He did take a few sips of water, but that was it. The anesthesiologist came back in and spoke with us. He wanted Hayden observed for a while longer because he had quite a bit of trouble coming out of anesthesia. He told us that every now and then, they will have one that just doesn't wake up well, and has some trouble, Hayden happened to be that one. I got to tell you, I'm honestly sick of my kids being the one. I would much prefer that they just be part of the "in" crowd. Oi. After about 30min, we got to finally take him home.

Before we went home, we had to stop and pick MJ up from school. Once we got her in the car, we were asked and answered 150 questions by her about Hayden. He still wouldn't drink anything, and I had a hard time just accepting that but I didn't want him to throw up either, so I didn't force the issue. Once we got home, Hayden convalesced on the couch for a while and did finally drink some of his blue slushy. His face got really really red for a while. I wasn't sure what was going on, so I turned the a/c a little cooler and just let him rest. While he did this:

I went to Target and got his prescriptions filled. When I came back, he was up and moving and had eaten a piece of butter bread and wanted some applesauce and strawberries. After he ate those, we put him down for a nap. He woke up a little while ago and while he still seems to be a bit moody and groggy, he is doing okay. We will try some dinner in a bit. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, texts, etc...

Hayden's Surgery

2011-05-09T07:44:00.002-04:00

We are set to go check in at the outpatient center in about an hour. All positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated. Hayden is currently still asleep, and we will likely let him sleep for a while longer since he isn't allowed to eat or drink until after the surgery. I will update everyone once we get home from the surgery and settled in.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T05:22:00.000-04:00

A couple of poems that have touched my heart in honor of Mother's Day.

"The Busiest Day In Heaven"

It's the busiest day in Heaven
I'm planning a big surprise
To let you know I love you
And that no one ever dies

Even though your down below
And I am up above
I'm sending you my wishes
And all my angel love

It's really quite exciting
To plan this big event
For lots of gifts will come your way
And all are Heaven sent

First I'll take a bubble bath-
My splashes might cause some rain
But knowing all the fun I'm having
Will help to ease your pain

Next I'll get some pictures
In my halo and gown
So when you get to Heaven
You can show me all around

I have color crayons in Heaven
And I will draw some stars so bright
And place them in the sky today
For you to see tonight

Then Jesus will have story time
And I will sit upon his lap
He'll tell me all about you
Just before I nap

I'll awake full of energy
And play a game or two
Before I finish sending
All my love to you

After snack I'll write a song
For all the birds to sing
And know I've made you happy
With all the joy it brings

At night time I'll be tired
But I'll still hold you tight
My arms will wrap around you
And keep you through the night

And when you finally slumber
I will kneel and pray
Asking God to bless you
On this special Mothers Day

Love,
Your Little Angel

_____________________________________________________________________________________

If Roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

A Service of Remembrance

2011-05-07T05:36:00.000-04:00

CJW Medical Center held a Memorial Service last week for families that have lost children this year through miscarriage, still birth, SIDs, what have you. We received the invitation in the mail a few weeks ago and decided to attend. Now that I've had some time to process the service and want to tell you all a little about it. It was at St. Matthias Episcopal church on Hugenot Rd. The service really was beautiful. There were a handful of people there. Probably about 7 or 8 families total. It was all run by nurses from CJW Medical Center. They had poetry readings and one nurse who sang a couple of songs. We did a candle lighting and they read the names of the babies as we lit the candles. I, of course, cried but spent most of the time trying to keep it together and wishing for it to be over. I feel really bad about that, but I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. There was this woman sitting behind us who was just sobbing. Full body wracking sobs. It was awful. I could feel the pain reverberating off of her. I know that pain too well. It's a pain that I never want to feel or be reminded of again. I went to the service b/c I felt I had to or should. However, I feel like, for me, that it reopened all of those wounds. Before the memorial service, I had finally felt like I was starting to heal, the pain was still there and very real but not as harsh. Now, after the memorial service, I feel like it is all opened back up and raw again. It's tough. As we left, Kris said that he didn't realize how much he needed that. I guess it provided some sort of closure for him. I didn't get that. I honestly didn't realize that I didn't want to be there until I walked in the doors and then it took all I had to stay. A nurse that sang during the service was in the bathroom with me after the service and said, "Thanks for coming." I just looked at her. I didn't know what to say. "Thanks for having me?" I finally just looked down at my feet and said "thank you" and left the bathroom and then Kris and I left the church. They had refreshments available after the service. I didn't want to stay for that, and Kris was okay leaving. Guess maybe I wasn't ready for it just yet.

Please tell me it's a boy thing

2011-05-05T06:40:00.002-04:00

Honestly. I am at my wit's end with Hayden. I feel like he is growing into a bully. It's terrible. We had his parent-teacher conference at school on Monday and they love him. He got a raving review. He's been pretty good there this year with the exception of a couple of incidences of saying "no" and talking back...oh and sticking his finger up another child's nose. UGH. So why is he so terrible at home? The constant unprovoked hitting/picking on his sisters, back talking to us, saying things like "I'm gonna beat your butt" to everyone, including his teacher yesterday, the constantly wanting to rough house and wrestle with everyone, etc...It's really overwhelming. I guess I should be grateful that he saves it for home and not school, but I don't want him to behave like that at all. He's constantly on the move. I can barely get him to sit still long enough to eat. It's exhausting and I feel like all I'm doing lately is yelling at him or putting him in timeout, but then we will have the fleeting moments of loving, cuddly behavior where he just want to sit beside you and hug you or give you kisses. Any art project he does at school is always "for my mommy". How do you find the balance?

I'm Jealous

2011-05-04T05:36:00.004-04:00

I'm not jealous of women who are pregnant or who have newborns, but it does make me sad to see women who are where I should be in pregnancy. What I'm really jealous of is the naivety of women who are pregnant and automatically assume that everything is perfect and they will have a baby in 9mos as soon as they see 2 lines pop up on the pregnancy test. I'm jealous of those women who assume that they are "safe" once they get past the first trimester. I'm jealous of their innocence. I want that innocence back. That is the innocence that I had with Ryann. That was the innocence of a first time mom who wasn't a nurse at the time. Now I know differently. My medical background took some of that innocence away, the loss of Fyn took the rest of it away. I often wonder how I will make it through another pregnancy with my sanity in tact. How do I get through 9 months without driving my doctor and myself crazy. I don't want to be "that" patient. You know...the one that calls the doctor over every little thing but how do I avoid it. I know I am going to be a nervous wreck, but how do I go about being a silent nervous wreck without driving everyone crazy? I'm jealous. I want all my innocence back.

From the Mouth of MJ

2011-05-03T05:08:00.000-04:00

These things were heard from our littlest princess this week:

While playing with playdough..."mom, do you think Belle is the most difficult because her dress has so many details"

"uhhhh....sure Madelyn"

While driving in the on the interstate yesterday we were passed by red convertible mustang. Here's the conversation that ensued:

MJ - "I really want that car beside us."

Me - "Haha, me too Madelyn"

Kris - "It wouldn't fit all of us"

MJ - "You know why I want it? So that all the wind can blow in my hair"

Kris - "You were complaining about the windows being down yesterday"

MJ - "Oh"

While brushing MJ's hair for church, she was sitting on the floor between my legs. I had a skirt on and she kept rubbing my legs.

Me - "Please stop rubbing my legs"

MJ - "Oops. Sorry"

Maybe 3 minutes pass and she starts rubbing my legs again

Me - "Madelyn! Please stop rubbing my legs"

MJ - "I can't help it...I like your fur"

Clearly shaving every 2 days is not doing a whole lot for me...

May

2011-05-02T05:36:00.000-04:00

This is month is going to be a busy, long and hard month for us. We could use all of the positive thoughts and prayers that we can get because I'm pretty sure that that is going to be the only thing that will get us through. Faith, Strength, and Hope. We have dance recitals, Mother's Day (which has been difficult enough the last couple of years without my mom, now we had Fyn missing from our lives to it), Hayden's surgery, a couple of birthday parties to attend, Fyn's due date, MJ's preschool graduation and the end of preschool for the year, and the start of swim team. It's going to be long and tough and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to cope with it. Busy schedules are never easy, but when you add in all the extras, it makes it that much harder. I wish I knew whether I was strong enough to handle this or not instead of being constantly tested by it.

Pregnant in Heels

2011-05-01T05:41:00.000-04:00

I don't watch a lot of TV. Basically, my shows consist of "The Biggest Loser", "Glee" and now this show. "Pregnant in Heels" is a new reality show on Bravo about a woman who runs a pregnancy concierge service in NYC. She also has 2 maternity shops in NYC where she designs and sells her own clothes. My friend Jenn told me about the show a few weeks ago, and I finally remembered to tivo it. I think I spent the first show slack jawed and eyes bugging out because I couldn't believe they way that some of these women act. Now, not all of the women are horrible but the dramatics of the women who are is just amazing. I actually enjoy the show because it makes me laugh and I can use all the laughs I can get these days. So if you enjoy reality t.v. and people acting ridiculous entertain you, this is the show for you.

MCP Project 52: Week 17

2011-04-30T05:20:00.000-04:00

A day late. (Sorry, I took a blogging break yesterday. =)

The theme this week was in honor of the Royal Wedding, "Princess for a Day".

Hurt

2011-04-28T05:38:00.000-04:00

So in the time I've taken off, I have to say, "man, I hurt". I've had some more time to process the things that happened with Fyn and it just hurts so much more right now. I'm sure part of it is that his due date is so close, but the other part of it is that the time I've been alone, I've done a lot more questioning of myself and the moves I made during my pregnancy with him. I wish I could be absolutely certain that every move I made was the right one. The feeling of uncertainty is not one that I'd wish on anyone, and I know that I will have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know with 100% certainty that I didn't cause his death in some way, shape or form. I would love nothing more than to go back in time and change some things so that I am still pregnant with our son. Living the rest of my life without him is going to be so hard. I don't ever get to know what he looked like, or smelled like, and I'll never get to kiss his fat cheeks or chubby legs. That hole in my heart will never be filled. It may scab over, but it'll always be there and will bleed fresh blood if something triggers it to. We are doing our best to "move on" or rather "learn to live" with this heartache, but I can honestly say that in the last couple months, it hasn't gotten any easier. We do have a couple things coming up that will hopefully help us see some comfort. I'll post more about those later. In the meantime, we continue to learn to live in our new normal.

"Mommy....

2011-04-27T05:59:00.000-04:00

...how do you spell living dead?" Obviously in this house you never know what you are going to hear after hearing "Mommy..." but "how do you spell living dead" never ever crossed my mind. However, it was asked tonight by 5yr old Princess MJ. So why did she ask this?

Because she was drawing this picture (you can kind of see where she wrote "living dead" on the top center of the picture):

Now, you may be wondering what this picture is and why she was drawing it. Let me explain before some of you get worried about what we are exposing our children to. The picture itself is apparently of a "zombie cake" (feel like I'm digging my hole a little deeper here). How did she hear about zombies and why a cake, you ask? Well, her older sister is a huge fan of "Cake Boss" and there was an episode that big sis downloaded onto her itouch of the crew making a zombie cake. Since we all share one itunes account, when we synced (is that a word?) Ryann's itouch to the account and then "synced" our ipads and itouches too, those episodes were put on our devices. These devices that Madelyn and Hayden both use. Apparently she has a love of "Cake Boss" like big sis does. Never fear though, because Hayden is following in their footsteps. As we sat at the doctor's office for 2hrs today, he watched the "Cake Boss" episode that was done in Disney World and announced to everyone he saw that "we been dere". If they weren't so darn cute talking about this stuff and if they didn't make me laugh on a regular basis, I'd have probably been mortified. Thankfully, it takes more than that to bother me these days.

Taking Time

2011-04-26T05:23:00.000-04:00

I've been trying very hard over the last couple of weeks to take a step back from everything and take some time to focus on me. I've limited my emails and texts and Facebook time in the hopes of re-evaluating some things in my life that have been bothering me. I must admit that I haven't been as successful as I had hoped to be, and this may require a bit more time to feel my way through it. I found that I was focusing so much on everyone else, that there was little time to focus on me. I think focusing on me right now is important, especially as Fyn's due date approaches next month. I have had quite a few revelations over the last week that I was surprised at. It has made me appreciate some of the things/people I have in my life a lot more. I have played "mom" for so long to so many people that this has been an incredibly hard challenge for me. That whole "taking a step back and not getting involved" has been the hardest. I'm still learning and realize that I haven't been very successful but I did have some small successes, so I will celebrate those and continue to learn how to focus on me some more and how to be a little gentler with myself.

What does Easter mean?

2011-04-25T05:34:00.000-04:00

This was played in church yesterday morning, and I posted it to Facebook too, so I apologize to you all seeing twice, but I thought I'd post it here. I am trying really hard to reconnect with God. My relationship with him has suffered so much in the last couple of years. Videos like this remind me why I still believe despite it all.

Spring Break in Pictures...

2011-04-24T05:34:00.000-04:00

mostly.

While the kids were on Spring Break last week, mommy and daddy still had to work. I had 2 days off and Kris had 1 day off. We each got to spend some time with the kids and do some fun things.

I took the kids swimming on Monday where a lot of this went on:

and ended with Hayden climbing in here:

Paw Paw came over one night and did this with the kids:

What's this you ask? He built bird feeders and bird houses with the kids. Have I mentioned that I don't like birds?

We also got to go to a petting zoo at a local mall. Yes, I said petting zoo at the mall.

After the petting zoo, we did this:

And then enjoyed this:

Ryann chose a Frappuccino over the yogurt.

On Thursday, the girls left with grandma for a short trip down to NC to go to the zoo, the doll store, and to stay in a hotel with a pool. I got this pictures via text message. Sorry they are blurry.

While the girls were on their trip, Kris got to spend all day Friday with Hayden. He took him to "Elmo's World" aka Busch Gardens. I had to work. :( Boooooo Here's some mobile pictures of their outing.

As you can see, Hayden does not share my fear of birds, nor does he share Madelyn's fear of characters.

All in all, I think the kids had a pretty good time, don't you?

Reminders

2011-04-23T05:39:00.000-04:00

Not that I need any but one of the tough parts about approaching my due date with Fyn are the reminders that come in the mail. What do I mean, you ask? Well, when you buy maternity clothes or sign up on certain websites to receive pregnancy updates, they get a hold of your personal information. Mainly your address. So as your due date approaches you start get Parenting magazines for free for a trial membership. You get coupons in the mail for diapers and wipes and coupons for Babies R Us. You get cord blood banking reminders and free formula samples and sometimes free diaper samples. All stuff that you could probably avoid if only you had remembered to take your name off the list but lets face reality for a minute. The last thing I was thinking about after hearing that my son no longer had a heartbeat was taking my name off some list somewhere. At this point, I don't even know if it's worth the hassle of trying to get my name removed because chances are by the time it actually gets done, the trial membership will be up or "my baby" will be too old to use the formula samples or diapers they send. So for now, I just hold my breath every time the mail comes and throw away the magazines and coupons that I don't need. Fortunately I haven't received the formulas yet, but if and when that comes, maybe I can donate it somewhere.

One Day.

2011-04-22T05:24:00.000-04:00

I'm frustrated by people who get hired to do a job, sign a job description, and then complain about having to do the job they were hired to do or they do a half-assed job doing it and get persnickety when you have to correct them or call them out. I'm frustrated at myself for letting those types of people get to me because I inevitably take it home to my husband and kids. Hell, I'm frustrated that I'm feeling frustrated. I would love to have 1 day where I am not frustrated, sad, angry, etc... I want one day where I am completely happy. One where I have a good day with the kids and I don't get angry at them. One day where I have a good day at work and don't bring my frustration home. One day where I'm not trying to please everyone and forget to do things for myself. One day where I am the mother that I think I should be. One day that I don't question every move I make. Just one day.

MCP Project 52: Week 16

2011-04-21T04:37:00.000-04:00

The theme this week was Furry Friends. My dogs rarely sit still long enough to be photographed but I got Harley in an exhausted state, I think. Either that or he was just bored and thankful that no one was trying to climb on him.

Walking a Day

2011-04-20T04:48:00.000-04:00

In someone else's shoes. Have you ever wanted to do this? If so, why? Would you if you could? Do you think it would be a better life? Are you hoping it would be a better life? I've heard the statements "what I wouldn't give to be like such and such or to have such and such's life" or "I would love to walk a day in their shoes, they have the must have the perfect life" quite a bit. I have probably thought it at some point recently too. I can honestly say though, that where I am now, I wouldn't want to walk in anyone else's shoes. Do you know why? Because without really knowing a person, and I mean REALLY knowing, you have no idea what they have been through/lived through. You don't know if they've lost a child, lost a parent, lost a spouse, had cancer, etc... You just don't know. It goes back to that old saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover". You don't know what's on the inside of that book. A person can have all the money and privledges in the world and still be a really pitiful person. Would you still want to walk in their shoes? I person could be the nicest most upbeat person in the world and also be poor and live on the streets. Be honest with yourself here, would you want to/choose to walk in their shoes? I don't have a perfect life, I have a husband and a 3 beautiful living children, a good job and a nice house, but I've lost my mother and my child in the span of 2yrs and am incredibly sad and angry about it. Would you want to walk in my shoes? The grass isn't always greener. Think about that next time you want to walk a day...There's always going to be someone better off and worse off in your eyes.

What is this?

2011-04-19T04:31:00.000-04:00

Is it a chicken? Madelyn says it is. Ryann doesn't know and it's really hard to look it up without knowing a name. It was walking around the yard of a neighbor this morning when I was out walking. I was looking for the baby bunnies that run wild in our neighborhood but found this instead. I live in a completely suburban neighborhood and haven't ever seen anything like this. Now, before you go and think, "yes, you idiot it is a chicken" or "no, you idiot, it's not a chicken" (not that I really think you'd say that), I just want to say that I don't like birds, so I've never had cause to look or think about it. Birds have freaked me out since I saw Alfred Hitchcock's movie "The Birds" a million years ago. They have that whole aerial assault thing going on, and the thought that they can dive bomb my head gives me the heebee jeebees. So, is my 5yr old right, is it a chicken?

Forgiveness

2011-04-18T05:14:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness since starting to make my peace with God. If he forgives me for still being angry at him, should I take a page from his book and forgive those who have made hurtful remarks to me about my loss regardless of whether they were intentional or not? Could I even forgive?

I found this article by Brian Henry not to long ago on a pregnancy loss support forum.

By Brian Henry

When we lost our daughter Caroline, we gained a world of perspective we never wanted.

Most people lead a life blissfully ignorant of pregnancy loss. Many of our friends and family had no idea what it was like to suffer this type of loss, so it stood to reason that they also had no idea how to react when it entered their lives.

Forgiving the ignorance of others isn't exactly the first thing you do after a loss.

In the days following Caroline's stillbirth, we expected everyone would understand right away what we needed - gentle words, limitless understanding, the ability to listen for hours on end as we cried our way through another difficult evening - and further, that they would instantaneously and successfully deliver the support we needed.

When those expectations weren't met, we were disappointed and angry. Everyone we came in contact with was summarily labeled according to their level of support - there were the rarified few that made it into the "very helpful" category, a few more that were "somewhat helpful" and then the majority who fell into the abyss known as "wow, couldn’t have been less helpful, let's never call that person again."

Only in the years since our loss have we realized our expectations didn’t match reality. We failed to understand what is possible emotionally from people who haven’t had a loss, which made it more difficult for our recovery.

We should expect basic human reactions – "I'm sorry." "How sad." "I'm here to help." - but we found ourselves demanding even more. Only now, after suffering our own loss, meeting others who have suffered losses and educating our friends and family about pregnancy loss, do we truly understand, and forgive.

Forgiveness is a big word for us. We don't ask for it from each other very often, even though we should. And we don't give it out a lot to others, because we feel obligated to hold onto our angry feelings, take every slight, file it in our brain and recall it at a moment's notice.

We felt that if we did forgive, it would allow hurtful words or lack of support - unintentional though it may have been - to shape our view of ourselves and of our loss.

As we went along our own journey of recovery, we came to understand that forgiving people around us for not meeting our expectations (and forgiving ourselves for having those expectations in the first place), actually helped us to better appreciate what our friends and family could, and did, give to us.

It's a lesson we didn’t want to learn, but now that we have, we hope we’re better at forgiving those closest to us and helping others understand how they can better support families who have suffered such a devastating loss.

In what ways have you used forgiveness after your loss?

So after reading this article, I realized that I'm not there just yet. I'm not ready to forgive and forget. Maybe my expectations of others and myself are too high, I don't know. I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect, I realize this and I regret ever saying something that hurt someone. That being said, I think that if we all took a minute to think before we speak, it would save a world of hurt. Just thinking, "okay, if I were in this position, would what I'm about to say hurt me." I think it would save a lot of heartache in the end.

A Moment in Time

2011-04-17T05:52:00.000-04:00

I took this picture the other night because it was a moment that I wanted to save forever. A picture that I never wanted to let go of. Kris, Ryann, Madelyn, and Hayden were all playing the Shrek game on the Wii. They were all smiling for the most part (MJ got pouty when she didn't win) and just having a good time overall.

Finding Peace with God

2011-04-16T05:51:00.000-04:00

Finding Peace With God
I'm finally starting to find my peace with God. I've felt that connection with him a lot more than in the past few months. Don't mistake my peace with him as acceptance and forgiveness for Fyn because I'm not there yet. I'm still angry with him about Fyn and haven't really accepted that it's "okay" that God chose to call him home. That may or may not come in time. Regardless of my anger at God and my not being ready to forgive him, just yet, I do know that just because I am angry and unwilling to forgive right now, the God forgives me and still loves me unconditionally. My anger with God is not as strong as it was, I am finding it easier to pray and talk to him in my own way. Before, the only thing I wanted to do was yell at him and ask him why. Going to church has helped, but I'm going to have to start wearing waterproof mascara there since I haven't made it through a service recently without crying. I thought I was kind of past the tears that hit you out of nowhere, but clearly I'm not.

Now, to those of you who are wondering how I can be finding my peace with God even though I'm still angry, let me just say, I don't know. There was no one thing that happened, it was just a feeling that came over me a couple weeks ago. Like a sense of calm and it felt like some weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it's the sense that I am going to get through this, like it or not, and it's going to be a lot easier to get through it with God in my corner than not.

I recently read a blog post by a woman who went through a loss similar to mine but she was a little bit further along than I was. The post was all about how she didn't believe in God b/c what kind of God would take a child away from his/her parents and that if there really was a God then bad things would never happen. The whole blog post was very angry and she was very bitter. I've felt that anger and bitterness to an extent and while I was reading her post I realized that I could go down that path if I wasn't careful. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to lose all of my faith and hope. Mostly while reading her post, I just felt sad for her and very sorry for her. I don't want people to read my blog and feel that way about me. Yes, I want people to know I am sad and am in mourning and yes, I hurt, but I don't want pity. I want people to acknowledge my feelings but not pity me because I'm a poor pitiful soul. I think making peace with God is help me to avoid that.

MCP Project 52: Week 15

2011-04-15T05:15:00.000-04:00

This week's theme was "How Others See You". Short of putting up a FB status that said "tell me what you think of me or how you see me", I wasn't sure what to do. This is the best I could come up with without doing exactly that. Most of my identity is wrapped up in my kids right now, so I thought it was fairly fitting.

The Wierdest Thing...

2011-04-14T05:18:00.000-04:00

just happened to me. I picked MJ and Hayden up from school and was letting Hayden play with my ipad on the way home. He was listening to music and turned on the song, "I Will Carry You". I don't normally play that song in the car or anything, it's just on my ipad for me. I haven't listened to it with him, I haven't talked to him about, nothing. Well, as the song was playing, he looks and MJ and said, "this is a song about a baby in the belly, Maddie". Okay, he's a smart kid, but no one is he old enough to interpret a song correctly. I thought I had heard him wrong, so I asked him to repeat it and tell me what the song was about and he said the same thing over again. It was really strange. Gave me the chills. I know he was probably just saying things off the cuff but still, to say that during that particular song? Weird.

I had been thinking about Fyn a lot this morning and about a couple of my friends that are currently preganant and due around the same time I was with Fyn. Friends that I haven't really spoken to or congratulated b/c I found out about their pregnancies shortly after losing Fyn and I just wasn't in the place where I could congratulate them and feel like I really meant it. It's never that I was unhappy that they are pregnant, hell, that couldn't be further from the truth, but having them due so close to when I was and seeing them hit those pregnancy milestones and the way they look pregnant was/is really hard. Those were/are things I am supposed to be doing too, not watching from the sidelines. It's been hard, it's still hard but I'm in a better place now than I was 4 months ago. So, I was just kind of processing all of those feelings, or trying to, and for him to turn that song on randomly and say those words as a description really hit close to home.

Kindergarten Registration

2011-04-13T05:22:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday was Kindergarten Registration Day for the Richmond area. I can't believe that Madelyn is old enough to be going to Kindergarten in the fall. For a the last few months, Madelyn has been a little hesitant about this whole process. She hasn't wanted to "go to Kindergarten" and has mentioned several times that "she wants to stay in preschool forever". She has always had a hard time adjusting in new environments and it usually takes her a while to warm up to a new teacher, babysitter, whomever...We've been hyping up going to Kindergarten as have her teachers and everyone else in the hopes of getting her excited and over her shyness. I was afraid that she would get there to the registration, and would just shut down. She's done that before in other situations. That wouldn't have been a great thing since they do a readiness test on all incoming Kindergartners. This helps determine what kids would maybe benefit from a Kindergarten preparation class during the summer. I think it's a fairly good tool to use. Well...all of the hype worked! She didn't shut down at all and went right with the teacher who was testing her (I didn't get to go). She did everything she was supposed to do and answered almost all of the questions correctly. I think one of the things she missed was saying that her waist were her hips and she didn't know where her jaw was. I don't think I've ever had reason to teach her that, actually. Either way, she did great. She came running out and exclaimed, "I did a great job!" and of course the teacher verified it and said that she wasn't shy at all and is more than ready for Kindergarten. Of course, I had just finished filling out the paperwork where I wrote a comment about her shyness and having a hard time adjusting to new situation. :/ Way to make Mommy look like a fool MJ! ;) Owell, I'm glad she proved me wrong.

We went out for ice cream (frozen yogurt really) afterward at Sweet Frogs. Apparently, that was the thing to do after registering for Kindergarten b/c it seems half of the Midlothian moms were there with their rising Kindergartners. Here are some pictures of my big girl enjoying her ice cream.

Third Grade

2011-04-12T05:08:00.000-04:00

I had a patient tell me today that I looked like I should be in 3rd grade because I had my glasses on and my hair in a braided ponytail. I told her to "stop right there, I'll take it" and told her thank you. I got to thinking later how nice it would be to go back to that 3rd grade naivety. A time when my biggest worry was whether to play with my Legos or my Barbies, not wondering why us and what this all means for the future. A time when "Walk Like and Egyptian" and "That's What Friends are For" were the most popular songs on the radio. Now I have to worry about my kids singing along to "Teenage Dream" and "Watch You Burn" (not that I don't listen to those songs but it's one thing for me to listen to them and something completely different for my 5yr old and impressionable 11yr old to listen to them). I really do wish I could go back sometimes (not that I really want to relive my adolescence) to a time when I don't know what this kind of heartache feels like. A time when I wonder if I will ever feel great joy again. I love my kids to the ends of the earth and back, Kris too, but I sometimes wonder if I'm experiencing all the joy I should be...

A look into my addiction

2011-04-11T05:50:00.001-04:00

I mentioned a while ago that because of my anemia (low hemoglobin/iron levels) that I have been craving ice. But not just any ice, it has to be the soft chewblet ice that Wawa has with their teas, and Martin's carries it too. I, as is Kris, am eternally grateful that Wawa's ice is free, even the 44oz cup, and Martin's only charges 25 cents for a 32oz cup. Kris told me last week that I need to go down and look at how many cups we have from Martin's and Wawa we have in the recycling bin. I have to admit that I was a little taken aback by the numbers. I took a picture of the cups and thought I'd post it here. This is actually about 3wks worth of cups and bear in mind that I was out of town for one weekend during this time and this picture also doesn't include the cups that get thrown away while I'm at work, which is usually 2 or 3 a day 3 times a week.

As of right now, I have no idea what my hemoglobin and hematocrit levels are. The last time they were drawn was in February, so almost 8wks ago. Obviously they are still low, because this craving goes away when I hit a certain level. I've gone through this with each of my pregnancies and it usually corrects itself within a few weeks of giving birth. Unfortunately, with my D&E and then with the D&C, I lost so much blood that I'm having a hard time recovering despite taking the iron supplements. At some point I'm hoping it will correct itself. I do not want to keep harassing Dr. R/his nurses about getting my hemoglobin drawn repeatedly, so I will just wait it out. Since we are going to try and get pregnant again, they will draw my levels when and if it happens. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but some of this is in God's hands.

I Wish I Had All of the Answers

2011-04-10T05:49:00.000-04:00

or at the very least there was book out there with all of them. Not answers to why the Earth is round or when the end of the world will be, although that would be cool, but answers to the reasons why parents lose children, answers to why I feel like I need to be "over it" or what the appropriate length of time to grieve is, answers to why I feel like I am losing my mind most days, answers to why I hate feeling so dependent on others to help me get through this and answers to why I feel like I need verification from others (Dr. B and Kris) that what I'm feeling is normal and not me being overly dramatic. You know...answers to all of those fun questions. I guess there really isn't a true answer. Just speculation as to what the answers are. I can't help but think that even if I had all the answers, it wouldn't make me feel any better or make the pain hurt any less.

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy ones. I have felt pulled in a million different directions and by the time I've gone in every direction, I have nothing left to devote to my family. It's been rough, and I've felt a lot of guilt over it. I wish I had the answers to why I felt this way and how to balance all of it out.

Songs

2011-04-09T05:35:00.001-04:00

Songs of comfort and songs that make you think of your kids or people in your lives? Do you all have any of those? I've found a lot of comfort in music over the years and have noticed that occasionally, I song will come along that reminds me of someone in my life and from that time on, any time I hear it I will think of that person. Some songs come soon after meeting someone and other songs come after they have gone from my life or years after meeting them. Here are some songs that I have found comfort in and who they remind me of, if anyone.

Lonestar's "Amazed" will always remind me of Kris because it is our wedding song, but there's a song by Sister Hazel from a million years ago, that also makes me think of him whenever I hear it. It's called "All for You". It came out the year we started dating but I latched on to it right away and after Kris moved to L.A. and I was still here, I listened to it non-stop. I'm glad things worked out the way they did because otherwise it would have ruined a perfectly good song. ;)

Kenny Chesney's Song, "There Goes My Life" reminds me of Ryann. Every time I hear that song, I fast forward 7 or 8 yrs and realize that that is going to be us. Our story with her parallels the couple in the song pretty well. Although we weren't as young as them, she was unexpected and changed our lives immensely, in a good way of course. It definitely hasn't been without it's challenges though.

Shortly after mom died, Alan Jackson released a song called "Sissy's Song". It really couldn't have come at a better time. I remember emailing my friends and family about the song after I heard it and telling them about it and how much it reminded me of mom. Most of them had already heard it and thought the same thing.

There's a fairly new song out that reminds me of Hayden. It should be no surprise that it's another country song. It's called "I See Me" by Travis Tritt. He sings about how much trouble his son is going to get into as he gets older if his son is anything like he was as a child. I think this song reminds me of Hayden mostly because Kris keeps saying, "Oh my goodness, he's just like I was, I'm so sorry" whenever we are having issues with him, which is really on a daily basis. He is our hardest child to parent and we are finding that we are going to have to continually change our parenting style to meet his own unique needs. He's a good kid, he's not evil, he just has a lot of energy. A LOT!! That being said, if this is what I have to deal with in order for him to turn into the type of man his father is, then so be it, because I couldn't ask for a better man than Kris.

I actually haven't found THE song for Madelyn yet unless I use Faith Hill's "Wild One" or Martina McBride's "Happy Girl". Neither are completely MJ. That song just hasn't found me yet, but never fear, it will.

I also don't have a song that reminds of Fyn per se. What I have are songs that bring me comfort and help me process my feelings about him and his death. Here are the 3 that most comfort me:

"I Will Carry You" by Selah
"He's My Son" by Mark Schultz
"Held" by Natalie Grant

MCP Project 52: Week 14

2011-04-08T05:32:00.001-04:00

So this week's theme was Fusion. The idea was to use some FUSION add-on to adobe photoshop but since I don't use or have photoshop, I couldn't use it. The other option was to do a literal interpretation of Fusion, so here's mine.

In case you are wondering what the definition of Fusion is: union or blending of things. This is as close as I could get.

I've said it 3 more times now...

2011-04-07T04:33:00.000-04:00

And still haven't been asked to elaborate. Said what, you ask? The answer to the "How many children do you have?" question. I've been asked that question 3 more times since the initial time and each time, I've replied with "I have 3 living children" and no one has asked me details yet. I'm still very grateful for that because one day, I will have to explain myself. I think the longer I have to wait to answer it, the worse the anticipation gets, but I'm still glad I haven't had to elaborate yet. I do wonder why no one has asked, but I imagine it has something to do with being uncomfortable asking. Some people are missing that filter that prohibits them from asking, but I haven't had someone who's filter is "clogged" ask yet. I think I'm more concerned about how I will answer that question when it arises. I know some of you may think, "it would be a lot easier if you just said you have 3 kids" then you wouldn't have to worry about it. And you'd be right, but then I would be doing Fyn an injustice and essentially denying him. I am still his mother, he is still my child. I'm not saying that there won't come a point where I will slip and say I have 3 children or a time when it will be more appropriate to answer with 3 kids, but for the time being, I will continue to answer with "3 living children" and hope that I can handle the questions when they come.

Working Through It

2011-04-06T03:50:00.002-04:00

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked "How do you work through the pain?". "Work is the last place I want to be, how do you function at work?" and it's not just from people who have lost a child, it's from people who have lost a loved one in general.

Let me start with this. I wish I knew. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. After my mom died, I threw myself back into work because I needed it. It helped me avoid the pain that I was feeling from the sudden loss of my mother. I didn't want to feel, so I worked. I worked through Christmas of 2008 and EVERY Holiday the following year. I didn't want to deal, so I did everything I could to avoid it. At the time, I thought that that was the right decision for me and it may have been but looking back, I think I probably should have taken more time. Time to process, time to deal, time to get a handle on myself and everything that I was feeling and dealing with. On the first anniversary of her death, I took the day off of work. This past year, on the 2nd anniversary of her death, the day after my amnio, I also had the day off b/c I was on moderate bed rest due to the amnio. I wish I could have worked. I wish I could have had that day to push everything that I was going through to the back of my mind and focus solely on work.

3 months ago, when I was getting ready to go back to work after Fyn's death, that is the LAST place that I wanted to be. I didn't want to go back to work and have to be "the happy Amanda". I didn't want the pitying stares from co-workers or the questions that I knew were going to come. I had anxiety about being around everyone. My patients didn't know I was pregnant, but I was out for a month, so they were going to ask what was up. I didn't want that. The thought of work alone brought so much anxiety on me, that I wasn't sure I would be able to function at all. I was absolutely miserable to first few weeks. If I could have been anywhere else I would have been.

I would say fast forward three months, but it really hasn't been that fast. So, here we are 3 months later and things have changed. Work is my "safe zone". I don't mind being there. I can go there and know that no one is going to ask me about Fyn. They all know. A few read my blog so they know what I am feeling and what I am going through. All of the hard questions have been answered there. I don't have to tell my story over and over. It's safe. I don't have to talk about it unless I bring it up, and I do and I have.

So back to the questions..."How do you work through it? How do you function at work?" You just do. You fake it, you hide your feelings, you do whatever you have to do to get through the day. There is no perfect solution. I have told several people recently to just take it 1 breath, 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time. It's not going to be easy, so don't expect it to be. Do I still "fake it" at work? Of course. I'm by no means past Fyn's death, it's only been 4 months since he died. Every day presents a new challenge. I am doing what I have to do to get through each day. That's all I can do. That's all we can do.

Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. ~Author Unknown

Creation Calls -- are you listening?

2011-04-05T05:18:00.000-04:00

Despite being someone who has struggled recently with her spirtuality and with God, I never stopped believing in him. I have questioned his decisions, been angry with him, have demanded answers, etc...but I never stopped believing. I believe in God, I believe that Fyn is with him in heaven, as is my mom and other beloved family and friends. I'm also a person who sees God in nature more than anywhere else, including church. Being able to see the beauty that has been created in nature is my one substantial thing to hold on to. I am a person that needs the concrete. It can be a struggle to believe in something you can't see or hold physically when you need that concrete proof. I think that is why I see God in nature. I think that is why it is easier for me to talk to God when I'm viewing something magnificent in nature. That is my "concrete" proof. I know it's not that way for everyone and that is okay. To each his own. This is what works for me. This video was shown in church a few weeks ago and was so incredibly beautiful that I thought that I'd share it with you.

"When You're Ready"

2011-04-04T04:23:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure that phrase is absolute BS. It's never really "when you're ready", more often then not, it's "when WE THINK you are ready". I've been running up against that wall some lately. People will tell you (whether at work or in everyday life), "oh, you'll do it when you're ready" or "get to it, when you are ready", the truth is, if you don't do it in their time frame, they will continue to ask you if you've done it, "ready or not" until it gets done. The other thing is, sometimes people see you going about every day life with seemingly little problems and they assume that you are ready for anything or they decide that they know what is best for you despite you saying otherwise, all because you seem to "function" normally. It's something that we all have to deal with at some point in our lives. Let me clue you all in on something. Just because we seem to function "normally", chances are we aren't ready until we actually say we are ready. And I'm not just talking about people who have lost a child or a loved one. This can be used in situations where people have seen something traumatic, or been in a car accident, or had surgery. Whatever. It's not always about death. So next time someone tells you that they aren't ready to do something, take it to heart. Just because they've gotten really good at "faking it" doesn't mean they are ready to conquer the world. Healing takes time, it's not something that occurs over night. We all have different needs and work in different time frames. Let me reiterate something I've said numerous times before...What's good for me, may not be good for you and what worked for you, may not be the right thing for me. Healing isn't a 12 step program. There aren't steps that we can complete and be all better. There are so many aspects to the healing process that have to be taken into consideration that there just isn't a quick fix. If I say, I need a break or I'm not ready. I mean it. I wouldn't say it otherwise. Only I can decide what is best for me and what I need.

Boys are Gross

2011-04-03T05:59:00.002-04:00

Just thought that I'd put that out there. Kris wanted me to title this post "What have your kids done for you today", but I just couldn't. The other night, Kris was laying on the love seat chilling out and trying to get rid of a headache. He had his feet (Iuse that term loosely b/c they are more like boats and our kid's inherited them) up on the armrest of the love seat and for some reason or another Hayden decided that he wanted to check Kris' feet out. The "checking out" became picking the dry skin off of Kris feet.

For those of you who know me, you know that I DO NOT do feet. To give you an idea of much I hate touching feet...I have a hard time clipping my own kid's toenails. I don't want your feet on me and I don't want you touching my feet. Bear in mind though, that I have no problem shoving my cold feet up under Kris while we are in bed to get them warm. When I go to get pedicures, the people must be wearing gloves. If you ask me, they should wear gloves all the time but some places don't. When I first started working in dialysis, we were required to do monthly foot checks on the diabetic patients. OMG. I would have rather been strung up by toenail, naked in the middle of town than do these foot checks. I, of course, would do them when warranted but I would be gowned and gloved before removing socks. I am so thankful that they got rid of that requirement.

So, back to the feet picking. Hayden really got into it, it was gross, but rather than tell Hayden to stop and while vomiting a bit in my mouth, I took pictures (to be used later for blackmail).

Checking out the feet for the first time.

Trying to remove the skin

I just like Kris' face in this one

really getting into it

He had to bring out the big guns to him with the pedicure

An Interesting Study

2011-04-02T05:18:00.000-04:00

There was a study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry this past month on the affects of miscarriages/still births and how the affect women for years to come, even after the birth of a healthy child. A dummed down version was posted on the babycenter.com website called Loss of unborn baby affects women for years. Unfortunately, the title made me immediately think, "Well, Duh...they are just figuring this out" but after reading the dummed down version and then reading the Abstract on the BJP website, I realize that there is more to it than just what the title says. I'd love to get my hands on the entire study but short of signing up for a subscription/membership to the journal, that won't happen. I can't see doing that for just one article. So why I am so interested in the article? I mentioned before that there is more to it than the babycenter version lets on. The study looked at the level of anxiety and depression women who have faced these kind of losses experience after a loss and even further, after a successful pregnancy. As someone who has been medicated for postpartum depression before, has a family history of depression, and as someone who has some anxiety issues, especially after Fyn, I'm interested to see what the numbers are and just how significant the depression and anxiety are.

MCP Project 52: Week 13

2011-04-01T05:55:00.002-04:00

This week's theme was "Just For Fun" so this is what I came up with. This is the first week that I've added more than one photo to the MCP Project 52 group. I had a good time taking the pics even though the weather has been crappy all week. As always, if you want to join in the fun, just click on the button to the left side of the screen.

It's Been Scheduled...

2011-03-31T17:18:00.003-04:00

Blah. I finally bit the bullet and scheduled Hayden's surgery for May 2nd. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. I had put off scheduling it for 2wks but needed to get it on the books. He'll be having tubes put back in his ears and his adenoids removed. We will be going out to Memorial Regional Medical Center's Surgery Center for the procedure. They will have to put in an I.V. and put him under general anesthesia (with intubation) because of the adenoid removal. I hate that we are having to put him through all of this, but with one of his ear drums not responding to sound at all and the constant "what" and "whatchu say" from him, and the yelling when he talks, it's time. I'm hoping that this may improve his behavior some. Dr. S seems to think that the hearing loss may be contributing to his inattentiveness, which is when he gets in trouble the most. I guess time will tell. I know it's a simple procedure, one that I have had and both Hayden and Ryann have had tubes placed before but not the adenoid removal. He's still my son, and I still worry. We've already been on the wrong side of the odds once, and I've learned that no one is immune, so I worry that we will be on the wrong side of the odds again.

Desperate Times

2011-03-31T04:53:00.000-04:00

call for desperate measures. I started getting a sore throat earlier last week, which typically leads to the stuffy head and cold. The thought that I may be getting my 3rd cold in as many months was enough to ruin my mood for the entire week and to add insult to injury, I also pulled a muscle in my upper back moving furniture around in MJ's room. All of those things combined were hindering what little sleep I get. I got desperate and had to take some medication to help with all of those things so that I could get some sleep. I hadn't slept more than 2hrs each of the nights before. I will only take meds to sleep if I am desperate b/c they make me feel awful the next day and it's really not sleep is it? It's more like being knocked unconscious. I still managed to wake up at 1:30am and 3:30am and finally up at 5am to go to work but I was able to go right back to sleep without my mind racing. I got that desperate, and on the night before I had to work no less. You'd think that as someone who worked in childcare prior to becoming a nurse, that my immune system would be "strong like bull" and I would avoid getting sick. Most of the time I do, but with me being so run down from lack of sleep and stress and then my Hgb/Iron levels still being low, and what I do for a living, I seem to be catching anything and everything being passed around. However, I am happy to report that I avoided a full blown cold and my tweaked back hurts some but not a lot. Thank God for small favors, right?

A new sticker

2011-03-30T05:27:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I took MJ to a cheer competition at Virginia Beach. Before hitting the road, we stopped at the gas station to fill up and get snacks. As she was standing with me at the back of the car, she looked up at our back window and said, we need a new sticker. I wasn't sure what she was referring to, so I asked her what she meant. I thought she was talking about a new sticker to replace Kris' b/c it's torn in a couple of spots...

...she wasn't. She told me that we need a new sticker, with wings "you know, like angels have" for Fyn. I told her that she is probably right. What she doesn't know is that we do have a sticker for Fyn. We picked up a boy sticker and a girl sticker to match the others while we were in Florida in November. At the time, we didn't know the sex of our baby, but we knew about the bad blood work, and we were in limbo waiting for me to be far enough along to do the amnio. The sticker had been put away and lies with Fyn and his ultrasound pictures.

After this comment, I thought that that moment was a good time for me a conversation with Madelyn about Fyn and what she was feeling. I wanted to see how she was processing it, unfortunately, I didn't get around to the conversation until last nigh. The conversation did not go as I had intended it to, but I imagine, very few conversations with 5yr olds do. Maybe I'm wrong though. I asked her if she thought about Fyn and she said "yes". I asked her what she thought about and she told me that she missed him. I asked her why and she said because she thought he'd be cute. The conversation then took a lot of twists and turns and eventually came back to this:

MJ - well, we'll get to see him when we go to heaven, right?
Me - yes, one day, hopefully it will be a long time from now though.
MJ - why?
Me - because it would make mommy sad if you went too soon.
MJ - but I don't want you to die last. What are those lines on your head?
Me - those are wrinkles and I don't think I'll be the last to die
MJ - why are they wrinkles? (we've had this conversation before) and will you be
the first to die?
Me - it's what happens when you get old, you get wrinkles. I don't know if I'll
be the first to die.
MJ - but you're not old.
Me - wrinkles are what happen when you get older
MJ - oh. well i think that if you are the first to die, then daddy will be the 2nd
and i'll be the 3rd and ryann and hayden will be last
Me - I hope you are very old when you die though.
MJ - Yeah. You can still hold Fyn's hand and then maybe he'll come alive again.
Me - No, I can't hold his hand and he's not going to come alive again.
MJ - yes, you can. You can just do this (reaches up in the air and grasps the air)
and then you can hold it. He's an angel now in heaven?
Me - yes, he's an angel in heaven
MJ - why do we have to go to C's (the babysitter) house tomorrow
Me - because I have a doctor's appt.
MJ - Do you have to get a shot
Me - No, it's not that kind of doctor
MJ - what kind of doctor is it
Me - she's the doctor I talk to you about Fyn and how sad I am about him
MJ - What's her name
Me - Dr. B
MJ - Can I draw her a picture
Me - uhhhh, sure you can draw her a picture (I wasn't sure where she was going with
this)
MJ - What if she doesn't like it?
Me - I'm sure she will like whatever you draw for her
MJ - Okay.
Me - Goodnight Madelyn
MJ - Goodnight Mommy

Forsythia

2011-03-29T03:15:00.002-04:00

Do you all have one thing that reminds you of some special memory/place/person every time you see it? I do. Bet you can't guess what it is?

Although my allergies don't like it, Forsythia is that thing brings me back to a special time/place and reminds me of my grandmother and the time that spent at her house. She had these huge forsythia bushes at the base of her driveway and she had them encircling a huge garden in her backyard. I spent a lot of time with her while I was growing up. My favorite times came in the spring and I always knew spring was coming when those bushes started turning yellow. Seeing those plants brings me back to the Easter's that I used to spend with her. My mom would always take me to her house after the Easter Bunny came to ours and after we moved to Richmond, I would just spend Easter weekend or Spring Break with her and the "Easter Bunny" would visit me there. If I was just coming to her house the morning of Easter, there would always be a trail of Jelly Beans that the Easter Bunny left for me starting from her garage, all along the sidewalk, up into the porch, and into the house and it always ended at my Easter basket. She used to have a huge record player/8 track player in her living room, similar to the one in the link above that housed her Tammy Faye and Jim Bakker records. The Easter Bunny always put my basket on top of the record player beside the "Easter Tree" that had wooden egg ornaments hanging on it. Lie to you not, she did this for me every year until I was 18. I also spent every year until I was 18 dying Easter eggs with her. I loved going to her house, not just at Easter but all the time. She had grape vines in the backyard that grew the best grapes, a cherry tree that grew the sourest cherries, a whole slew of apple trees that grew apples that she turned into fabulous apple pies, and a chestnut tree where she taught me how to open the pods without hurting myself to get the nut out. She taught me how to use a sewing machine, she showed me how to cook and bake and even how to make jelly. I remember being terrified to tell her that I was pregnant and unmarried for fear of her disappointment in me. I needn't have worried, b/c she loved that little girl (Ryann) as much as she loved me. She was an awesome lady and with her being 60yrs older than I am, I was truly blessed to have her in my life until I was 22yrs old. She got to meet her first great grandchild and see me get married which is what she always wanted. Carrie Mae Warren passed away on May 17th, 2001. Almost 10yrs ago. She was buried next to her husband and across from her parents on May 20th, 2001, 10yrs before what would have been her 4th great-grandchild's due date (Fyn).

Overwhelmed

2011-03-28T04:43:00.000-04:00

As we approach the four month mark, I'm finding myself more overwhelmed by everything than anything else at the moment. Even anger and sadness. I think I mentioned before that one of the loss books that I read stated that months 3 and 4 were often harder than the initial months just after the loss. I was thinking that they would be harder "sadness" and "anger" wise and it might be for some people. However, for me, it seems that what will be hardest for me is the overwhelming sense that I need to be getting everything right: being a mom, being a wife, being a good nurse, being a good friend, being a good christian, or even being the person that I was before...All of that, plus all of the feelings that seem to be building up in me that I don't have time to sit down and feel because we are so busy all of the time and even if I did sit down and feel, I'm not sure what I'd feel. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but I've found that when I do have that elusive moment to breath, I don't want to think about what is going on inside of me. I avoid it, deny it, whatever. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am sad, and I know that I am angry, and I know that I feel guilty but there's more. There's more there. More that I just can't seem to put my finger on. Sometimes something will unexpectedly bring feelings to the surface that I didn't know I was having and that's not always a bad thing, but I can't go around (nor do I want to) searching for something to set me off.

As I was standing in line at the preschool today waiting to get Hayden from class, there were 3 people directly in front of me, all with babies in infant carriers. Infant carriers that Kris and I actually looked at for Fyn (our old one expired). Then as Hayden's teacher brought him out to me, she gave me his first bad report in months and it was a doozy. He was put in timeout today (for the first time ever there) for trying to choke another child who hit him. WTF? Are you serious? Retaliation or not, it's not appropriate or a good thing at all. I hate the feeling that we went wrong with him somewhere. Why can't he seem to keep his hands to himself like the girls did? UGH. All of that coming down on me today and Kris' impending business trip made me realize that I am overwhelmed. I really need to check out for a few days but that is a luxury that I can't afford right now. Maybe in a few months but until then, I guess I keep on trucking and hope that I don't screw up too badly.

Cinderella's slipper isn't glass...

2011-03-27T20:14:00.004-04:00

It's black and gold! Congratulations to the the VCU Men's Basketball team. It's so neat to see not only an entire city pull for a team, but people from all over the place. 90% of the facebook statuses that i read yesterday were people rooting for VCU or saying how proud they were of them. Within minutes of the game's end, there were several you tube videos posted of various watch parties all over the city. The videos showed 100s of fans crammed into tiny bars celebrating this Cinderella story. I have gotten stopped numerous times, in town and while out of town, over the last week while wearing my VCU Nursing sweatshirt (I've never been more grateful for asking for and getting my new sweatshirt at Christmas. The bookstore is a madhouse apparently). VCU has truly proven that they deserve to be in this tournament and they have done it with grace and style. Win or lose this week against Butler, I'm proud to call myself a VCU Ram.

Where we were 2yrs ago

2011-03-27T05:36:00.000-04:00

I decided to look back on my blog to see what I was writing about 2yrs ago. At this point 2 yrs ago, I was almost 4 months out from my mom's death. Here I am 2yrs later almost 4 months out from my son's death. Since I didn't actually blog on March 27, 2009, I took the post from March 25, 2009. I'm so glad that I looked back. I needed a laugh (both now and this time 2yrs ago) and I have never been more thankful for the conversations I have with our little spitfire, Madelyn. Click on the link below to read my post from 2 years ago (some of you will remember this).

I had the best conversation with Madelyn yesterday

Storming

2011-03-26T05:44:00.004-04:00

It's storming outside right now as I write this, and I can't help but feel that this is how I feel inside right now. Today I'm angry. I'm storming inside myself. Today I'm itching for a fight. As a matter of fact, I probably would have started one with Kris if I could have, but he doesn't deserve it, and it would do no good. This isn't about sadness or guilt, this is about anger. Isn't that what storms remind you of? Mother Nature's wrath? She's pissed about something so she's taking it out on Earth and it's occupants. It's not that I'm angry about Fyn today per se but it's a factor. My anger started today from something that has been occurring at work on a regular basis. Something that I have no control over, much like my lack of control over Fyn's death. So today because of the situation at work, my anger over Fyn is on the surface. I'm angry that he's gone. I'm angry that I couldn't stop it and that I didn't discover something was wrong until it was too late. I'm angry that I/we are in the trying to conceive arena again. I'm angry that I feel guilty about TTC again. I'm angry that I didn't get pregnant the first cycle back "trying". I'm angry that I have no control over this entire situation. I'm angry that my emotions are all over the place. I'm angry that I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster. I hate being out of control. I'm up one minute and down the next. I can be cruising along just fine one minute and then I get that "not so elusive punch in the gut" and then I'm no longer okay, I'm miserable. I'm just angry today. I should be allowed to be angry and shouldn't feel guilty over my anger, but I do and that makes me angrier. It's a damn Catch 22.

A few days ago I decided to read the Life Application Study Bible Devotion. I have tried to read the Bible in the past but just haven't gotten through it. I have a version of the Bible on my ipad that has different plans to help you read it: 90 day plans, one year plans, etc... The Life Application one is a year long plan. Each day you get a short devotional featuring a scripture verse. The purpose of these Study Bible is to help you apply the Bible to your life. So how's this for irony? After writing this post last night, I opened the Bible app to read my first days devotional. Here's what it said:

Pouring out his heart with tears. David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy.

Hmmmmm. What do you think? Do you think someone is trying to tell me something? The whole reason I decided to try AGAIN to read the bible is to maybe find my way back to God and my faith. Maybe this first devotional is a sign that I am on the right track? I don't know, but I am more than a little surprise/creeped out by this first devotional given what I've been struggling with as far as my faith and anger at God is concerned.

In case you are wondering, the scripture verse that goes with that specific devotional is Psalm 6:6

MCP Project 52: Week 12

2011-03-25T05:04:00.001-04:00

This week's theme was From the Jewelry Box. I titled this "The Life Built on the Promise of Forever". Most of you know (or could deduce as much) that that is my wedding ring set. The "Mom" is a charm Kris got for me for my charm bracelet. I think the photo turned out pretty well for someone with no photography training who's never photographed on a reflective surface before.

Guilt a gift can't fix

2011-03-24T05:52:00.000-04:00

I don't know that every woman who goes through the loss of a child during pregnancy feels like this but I know that the majority do. It's the feelings of guilt we have over our loss. What did we do wrong? What could we/should we have done differently?

I am having a hard time getting passed the feeling that Fyn's death was my fault. I have feelings like: I should have/could have done more to protect him. After all, I am his mother. I was responsible for keeping him safe within me and I couldn't do that. Why wasn't I good enough?

As mother's (and father's some too, I imagine) we play the what if game. What if I had done more to lower my stress level? What if I had I exercised more? What if I had worked less? Maybe I should have stopped picking Hayden up or moving patients. The point is, I feel like I should have done more....and I cant get passed that feeling. He was mine. He was my responsibility. Why couldn't I do for him what I was able to do for my others...keep him safe.

I share this with you all, not because I want to be talked out of it and to get the "You can't feel this way, it's not your fault" speeches, but to let you know that I, and I imagine a lot of women in my shoes, feel this way (or a version of this way). We each have our demons, our guilt, our regrets to live with. Most of us have to learn to live with them and eventually accept them b/c they aren't going to go away. We don't want to be talked out of how we feel (maybe some of us do, I don't know for sure) but we want those who love us to know how we feel. This feeling of guilt sucks.

Another quote from one of my favorite "loss" books, "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination":

...but I could not ask, because of course this was all my fault. I still believed that, a conviction so awful and unshakable that I didn't say it aloud. If I'd said it to Edward, he would have tried to dissuade me, and my belief was an inoperable cancer, dangerous where it was but more dangerous to move. I could not put my finger on what I had done wrong. Eaten something. Failed to eat something. Rested too much or exercised too much. Got pregnant too old. Was smug. He died inside of me: Of course it was my fault. It happened on my watch.

Super Moon

2011-03-23T04:55:00.002-04:00

Thought I'd share some pics from the "Super Moon" that I took Saturday night/Sunday morning. You should be able to just click on the image to make it bigger if you'd like.

I hope you all got to go out and look at it. It was magnificent.

A Punch in the Gut

2011-03-22T04:50:00.000-04:00

I really hate feeling this way. I hate how the simplest things can make a good day turn to crap in an instant or make a bad day worse. There's a part of me that feels like I should be well past the point where little things set me off. It's very frustrating.

A couple of weeks ago I had a really good day. It was a good day at work and I was in a good mood and was actually happy. It felt good. When I got home, there was a bill from my OB's office for the D&C in January. A kick in the gut. The D&C wasn't even the original procedure. This was the procedure to remove "residual tissue", but it sent me into a downward spiral. It really affected me. It sent me down a path that I never intended to go. After opening that bill, I decided to take a bath. As I tried to relax in the bath, I began thinking about the upcoming weekend and how I was thinking about going to the Craftsman's Classic Spring Show at RIR the next day. As I sat there and thought about it, I remembered the last time I was at one of the Craft shows. It was in November, the weekend of Hayden's birthday party. We had all the grandparents here and in town and had decided to tell them about Fyn. This was just prior to the NT scan and bad blood work. I was just over 12wks pregnant then. I had gone to the Craftsman's Christmas Classic that weekend and found these little Christmas ornaments that were 4 peas in a pod. Similar to THIS except they didn't have faces. I had the artist write Ryann, Madelyn, Hayden, and TBD May'11 on each pea and we wrapped them and gave them to Beth, Larry, and Lee and Mary that weekend. That was a happy a moment. A moment when everything was all right. A moment when we were looking forward to welcoming our fourth child into our family in May. Fyn was to be our only warm weather baby, our last child. I couldn't relive all of that. I couldn't go to the craft show. I wasn't ready. That one bill sent me down that one memory lane that I had no intention of going down. I let it ruin my entire weekend. I was a b**ch all weekend to everyone because of it. I knew I was being unreasonable and couldn't stop it.

Today was a crappy day at work. We were running very short staffed and anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I was so looking forward to getting off, coming home and just coming down from everything. I wish that had happened. Instead I saw and read something (that I'm not going to get into) that really made the day worse for me. Something that hurt my feelings and and made my heart hurt. Something that, again, I feel I should be well past the point of it upsetting me. I'm not and it obviously did. Again, I got in the bath and put on some music and had a good cry. Sometimes I wish I enjoyed drinking wine b/c maybe then I would have been able to mellow out that way, but I don't and that is not a road that I want to travel anyway. It's just so very hard to constantly wonder what is going to set you off and when. It's really exhausting.

A Walk in the Park

2011-03-21T06:00:00.002-04:00

Last weekend it was so pretty outside that we decided to get out and enjoy the weather. Under threats of death we made the kids go on a nature walk through Rockwood Park and then we let them play on the playground. Ryann and MJ initially didn't want to go at all, but like I said, we threatened them and forced them to go. It didn't go exactly as planned since MJ screamed bloody murder any time a bug got near her. I say bug, but I use that term loosely b/c I don't really consider butterflies bugs, but she apparently does. I think that whole "walking in the jungle" thing freaked her out the most since she didn't know where she was. Hayden found a stick and was good to do the entire time. All of the kids did enjoy seeing all the turtles sunning themselves on the logs in the lake. Here are a few pictures from our walk and our trip to the playground and nature center afterward.

Why do you do it?

2011-03-20T04:52:00.000-04:00

Why do you blog? Why do you write in a journal? Why do you do both, why not just pick one? Why do you go to therapy? Does it work?

I have heard these questions a lot lately. I think mainly because some people don't understand why I'm not "over it" yet. After all, I was only 16wks pregnant, it's not like I lost a "live" child or a child late in pregnancy. Plenty of women have been in my shoes, some losing children earlier and some losing them later, none of them are doing all of these things.

So why? Why do I blog?
I originally started blogging 3yrs ago to keep my family and friends abreast of the going ons of Morelli Chaos. Then after mom died, it helped me deal with that and continue to keep family updated on us and how we were doing. I took a break from blogging in early 2010 b/c I went back to work full time and was having a hard time trying to balance it all. In mid-2010 I started blogging sporatically again and then I got pregnant with Fyn, school started back up, and life got hectic. I decided not to blog until we were ready to announce the pregnancy. Then when we were ready, we got the crappy blood work results and were waiting for the amnio. I decided then that I wasn't going to blog about it or tell anyone until we got the results back and found out what we were dealing with. Unfortunately, Fyn died before I got to blog our good news, that he was okay, he wasn't. Now I am blogging about our experience and how it's affected/is affecting us in addition to blogging about our somewhat crazy life. I enjoy blogging. It is helping cope. It's a place where I can write down the things that I want to remember about my kids and it's a place where I can put my feelings down and go back and look at how I was feeling on a particular day. It's also a place that I can put my feelings out there so that others can read and hopefully benefit from if they are facing something similar. I do it to help me. It's an added bonus that it has helped others too.

Why do I keep a journal too, why not just pick blogging or journaling?
I do both because there are some things that I do not want to put out there publicly. I have certain feelings, emotions, situations, that are mine or ours and ours alone. They aren't to be shared. Some things are meant to be kept close to home and journaling is a way for me to still be able to write and get my feelings out without exposing things that I don't want everyone to know.

Why do you go to therapy?
That's simple. Because I need it. I need a safe place to cry and be sad and angry and even happy and not worry about making anyone else feel uncomfortable. It's a place for me to talk about the things that I am feeling. It's important to have an unbiased person to bounce things off of and have them help you see things in a different manner or to have them point out something that maybe you didn't notice/think of before. Therapy for me, isn't just about Fyn, it's about my mom and about communicating better with Kris throughout this "healing/grieving" process. I cannot begin to tell you how beneficial it's been for me and how grateful I am that Dr. R recommended Dr. B and that it has been a good fit for us. Honestly, had Dr. R not given us the recommendation, I probably would not have sought help on my own. I didn't when mom died and it has affected me for the last couple of years although I didn't realize it. Hell, I didn't think I needed therapy after mom died b/c I figured, "you are supposed to outlive your parents, it's part of life, you just have to get on with life." Even though mom died suddenly and so young, it really never occurred to me to seek help. I'm getting it now though, and that's what is important.

Does it work? (not just therapy, but all of it)
For me? Absolutely. Will it work for everyone? Probably not. Here's the thing, and I've said it before. Anytime you are in a situation where you are dealing with loss, any loss, grieving, dealing with the demise of a marriage, whatever, you have to find what works for YOU. Just because your best friend blogs and it helps him/her, doesn't mean it will for you. Maybe you can't find enough to write about or are uncomfortable putting your feelings out there for everyone to read. Just because your sibling goes to therapy and it helps him/her, doesn't mean it will for you. Maybe your insurance doesn't cover mental health or you don't have insurance and can't afford what therapy costs. Just because so and so read some book that they loved and it helped them, doesn't mean it will help you. You see where I am going with this. My point is obvious, find what works and stick with it. I can honestly say that had none of those things worked for me, I would have stopped doing them. I'm lucky that all 3 are working for me right now and that I am able to do them. I will be forever grateful for that.

A post where Mommy Guilt rears her ugly head

2011-03-19T06:10:00.000-04:00

As parents, we only want our kids to inherit our good traits so when they inherit some of our bad ones we feel guilty depending on what trait it is.

For example: Ryann is having body image issues right now. Unfortunately, she inherited my and my mom's body type. We tend to be on the "fluffier" side with big boobs, so despite swimming 3 days a week and dancing 1 day a week, she's a little chunkier than her friends and is now at the age where she gets it and doesn't like it. I feel bad for that. Will it change as she gets older? Maybe, but for now I see her feeling the same way about herself as I did when I was her age. She's far more outgoing than I ever was so that may alleviate some of it for her. I would have preferred to fade into the background.

Another example...Madelyn's control issues. She's a control freak. She gets that from me too, unfortunately. I think a lot of times, my control issues inhibit me from having as good a time as I could at some places. It's hard and I see Madelyn heading down that road. For instance, when MJ was smaller and Kris would try and put her on his shoulders she would scream bloody murder and wrap her arms around his head, over his eyes, and as tight as possible.

Now onto the reason for this mommy guilt post. Hayden and his ears. UGH. As a child, I had tubes in my ears 3 times, tonsils and adenoids out by the time I was 2, and have had 2 ruptured ear drums and a tube placed in my right ear in the last year. Hayden apparently got my ears. He had his first set of tubes 13mos. They came out last summer. He's had 2 infections since then which i guess in the grand scheme of things isn't that bad; however, what is bad is that despite treatment, he is keeping fluid behind his eardrums. We went to the ENT about 2mos ago after his last infection. He still had fluid behind both ears. The ENT gave us the option of waiting 8wks and rechecking or going ahead with tubes. We opted to wait. Today we went for the follow up and their is still fluid behind both eardrums. They did a tympanogram on him to see if the fluid was preventing his eardrums from moving appropriately. The results showed that while the fluid wasn't hindering the left eardrum, his right eardrum isn't moving at all and is affecting his hearing. So now we are onto our 2nd set of tubes and possibly removing his adenoids to see if that helps some of the fluid movement issues. I hate the thought of putting him through all of this and can't help but feel the mommy guilt b/c he definitely got it from me. Here is the result of my mommy guilt:

Needless to say, my kid didn't need anymore toys, but he got one anyway. He seems pleased, what do you think?

MCP Project 52: Week 11

2011-03-18T05:42:00.000-04:00

The theme this week was Lights and Darks. I took this picture of our fair haired boy and his dark haired dad while at the park last weekend. It's sure to be another favorite of mine for years to come.

I had that Dream

2011-03-17T04:52:00.000-04:00

You all know the one I'm talking about. The one where your teeth fall out. I hate that dream. I've had it before in varying forms. This time I dreamt that it wasn't just one or two teeth falling out at a time, this time I lost all of my top front teeth together. They came out as a whole, like they were all glued together. Not only did they all come out together, they were attached to another set that stayed in. Weird? Yeah, I think so too. I've always heard that these dreams represent a worry or anxiety about your appearance. I can honestly say that that is the farthest thing from my mind, so what does this dream mean for me? I decided to do a little research (surprise surprise). Here's what I found on this Dream Interpretation blog:

Dreams of Teeth
Dreams about teeth, particularly dreams where the dreamer finds his or her teeth falling out, are much more common than you might think. Some common forms of this dream include dreams in which the dreamer’s teeth crumble in his or her hands, or dreams in which the teeth fall out with just a light touch.

These dreams can be extremely frightening, even more so than chase dreams or falling dreams. In addition, such dreams often leave the dreamer with an image that is hard to shake even after waking.

There are many theories about just what teeth, and losing teeth, represent in the dream world, and these can be some of the most difficult dreams to interpret. One theory holds that dreams about teeth, and losing teeth, are a reflection of the dreamer’s anxiety about his or her appearance, and about how the dreamer thinks others perceive him or her.

This interpretation is certainly valid, especially since we live in a society that seems to value physical beauty above all else. Since a good set of teeth play an important role in physical beauty, it is easy to see how uncertainties about one’s appearance could manifest themselves in dreams about losing teeth.

Since teeth play such an important role in physical attraction scenarios, such as flirting and getting the attention of the opposite sex, dreams of losing teeth can be manifestations of fears of getting old, fears of sexual impotence or other dating related anxieties.

Other interpretations of dreams of losing teeth hold that they are representations of fear of embarrassment or making a fool of oneself. For instance, someone who is dreading a potentially embarrassing situation, such as making a speech or other public speaking engagement, may dream of his or her teeth falling out.

This type of dream would represent an exaggeration of already present fears or anxieties brought on by the upcoming event. People who are troubled by dreams of losing teeth or teeth falling out should examine their own lives for the source of possible embarrassment or appearance based anxieties.

Another theory holds that teeth in dreams represent power, since they are used in real life to tear, chew, and bite. Therefore, the loss of teeth in a dream represents a perceived loss of power or influence. People who feel frustrated, or who feel that their voices are not being heard, may have dreams about losing teeth. Feeling ineffective, or feelings of inferiority, are often associated with such dreams as well.

Finally, some of the latest dream research has revealed that women have more frequent dreams about teeth as they enter menopause. These dreams about teeth may be related to anxieties about appearance and fears of getting older.

There are of course other interpretations of dreams of missing or losing teeth. There are interpretations of this dream in a number of cultures around the world, further testament to the fact that teeth are a common dream theme in many cultures.

One biblical interpretation of the dream of losing teeth holds that the bad teeth mean the dreamer is placing his or her faith in the works of man rather than in the word of God. Thus the falling teeth in the dream are urging the dreamer to turn back to God for guidance.

The ancient Greeks believed that dreams about loose, rotting or missing teeth were warnings that a close friend or family member was very ill or near death.

The Chinese hold that teeth falling out is a punishment for lying, and that dreams of falling teeth are manifestations of guilt over telling lies.

Some have even suggested that dreams of missing teeth are associated with money. This connection probably goes back to the old tooth fairy story, where children are rewarded with money for putting their lost teeth under their pillows.

Can anyone guess which interpretation jumped out most to me given my current situation? I bet you can but just in case you can't, here it is:

One biblical interpretation of the dream of losing teeth holds that the bad teeth mean the dreamer is placing his or her faith in the works of man rather than in the word of God. Thus the falling teeth in the dream are urging the dreamer to turn back to God for guidance.

This is definitely some food for thought for me and something that I am going to need to think about. It's interesting to say the least.

Closure

2011-03-16T05:51:00.000-04:00

Will we ever have it? Does anyone? I don't think they do. I think regardless of what you find out about the loss of a loved one, you never get closure. There is always going to be that hole, you are always going to miss that person, and it's always going to make you sad that they are not here. Every anniversary, birthday, day of the death, etc...it's always going to be there. Those reminders never go away. Of course, we all know that they do get easier to handle but that wound never closes. Still, I keep hoping that I will get closure. I keep hoping that I will stop hurting this much or being constantly distracted by the absence of Fyn. Will I find some closure when I get passed my due date? Maybe. Doubtful though. I definitely think that the anxiety leading up to the due date is going to be worse than the actual day. Sometimes the anticipation is the worse part. It's what makes long car trips to fun places take an eternity but coming home seems to happen in the blink of an eye. As I was sitting in church this morning, they showed a video about some of the missions that our church participates in. The background music to the video was the song "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. I love that song, it's on my ipad/ipod, and I listen to it frequently. As awful as this is, I didn't have much interest in the video so I just closed my eyes and listened to the words and as I sat there, silently singing along, the sun started shining brightly through the window onto my face and I teared up. I kept thinking that I should be listening for something that GOD was trying to tell me, and I just couldn't hear it. It wasn't within my reach this time. So now I don't know if it meant anything, or if I'm trying to read too much into something that's not really there. That's very frustrating. I don't know how many more opportunities like that I'll be given. Maybe that was my chance for some peace or closure. Maybe I shouldn't look for signs, maybe it's something that needs to come within.

Elizabeth McCracken describes a moment after her son's death where she and her husband saw a wild stag in the wild for the first time. She goes on to say:

"I don't believe in omens. Still, it's nice to see Nature try her best to persuade you. But if you ask me whether this felt like closure, I'll tell you what I've come to believe:
Closure is bullshit"

That may be a little harsh, but it's how she was feeling and what she believes and that's okay. I don't know that I feel that strongly about it b/c I've had too many "omen like things" happen to me, but I do partially believe that "closure is bullshit". I don't think it'll happen, but I'm going to try and be more open to things happening that will bring me some peace and maybe a little closure.

80s Fabulous

2011-03-15T03:43:00.001-04:00

Last weekend, Kris and I went to an 80s themed birthday for a friend of mine that was turning 30. We had a really fabulous time as did everyone else it seems. ;) As I was getting my outfit on and doing my hair in true 80s fashion, MJ watched and decided to commentate the process. Here are some of the things she said to me:

As I put on my outfit she said "Oh la la"

Then as I was doing my hair and getting my bangs sprayed up in true 80s fashion (I was channeling my middle school pictures) she said "That's impressive"

and when I finally was completely ready she said "You look FABULOUS and everyone will think you are beautiful. God I love that child. ;) Only a 5yr old can make you feel pretty when you look absolutely ridiculous.

Here are the pictures to show why she said these things:

We even took a "prom picture" with our friends Joe and Jenn and as I commented on Facebook, we look like "the haves and the have nots" Joe and Jenn looking like the preppy prom queen and king and Kris and I looking like we are ready to go to a heavy metal concert rather than a prom.

It really was a great party. The length of time it took me to get ready (hair, makeup and such) made me wonder how in the world we ever had time to do the stuff we did. The reality of it is though, that a lot of us at the party still had parents dressing them and doing their hair for the better part of the 80s. That being said, I do remember hitting middle school and doing my hair and makeup on my own. After last weekend, I can't believe that I actually dressed like that and styled my hair that way. What were we thinking? Oh, and the best part? My entire outfit was not bought at a vintage clothing store, it was bought at stores like Target and stores in the mall that are currently selling all of these 80s fabulous clothes. :)

Just Breath

2011-03-14T03:27:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that Kris and I have very busy schedules. Between work, cheer, swim team, and dance, plus the various committee meetings and additional work meetings/trainings we have to attend and the various school activities that we go to as well, it's really hard to find time to just breath sometimes. I find that the times where we are the busiest are the times when I get the saddest. By the ends of those days where we just go and go and go, it all catches up to me and I get so incredibly down and then I don't sleep at all which just compounds my emotions. It's a really terrible cycle to be in. Something else that I've realized is that on those weeks where we are so busy, if I don't "deal" with what I'm feeling on any given day in some way, shape, or form, by the end of the week, my attitude sucks and I'm a really crappy person to be around and eventually all of the stress manifests itself physically. Either by a headache or upset stomach that sends me to the bathroom for hours (TMI, sorry) and then I'm up all night (like tonight). I always thought that the busier I stay, the better I will handle everything and be able to "move on or through" whatever I am facing. I was wrong. Keeping busy isn't the answer. Keeping busy to the point where you don't have a chance to breath and focus on yourself and what you are feeling just makes things worse and probably prolongs the grieving process as well. I need time to breath. I need room to breath. And I need to remember that it is okay to need those things and not feel guilty about needing them. At the same time, I have to remember that my kids need me as well, so I feel like I have to be selective about taking those times to breath.

Center Based Gifted

2011-03-13T04:41:00.000-04:00

Our county has a program called CBG, which is an acronym for "Center Based Gifted". I don't actually know a lot about the program other than they begin testing students that they think qualify for it in 1rst or 2nd grade with the parent's permission. If you are accepted then you go to a school that has the gifted center. Ryann didn't originally test into the CBG program but she did test into the school based gift program which she has been doing for the last couple of years. In the fall of this year (2010), she was to be tested for the middle school CBG program. The school sent home this letter about how important it was to make sure your child got lots of sleep the night before the test, that they ate a good breakfast, etc... They made a really big deal about it. Ryann was to be tested on a Friday, we go the letter on the Wednesday before her test day. That Wednesday night, we sent Ryann to swim team and then had her stay up late studying for a test that she had the next day. We were up until 1030 or 11 studying (she actually fell asleep on the couch studying). We got her up the next morning early to finish the studying, gave her breakfast and sent her on her way to school. Fast forward to her getting off the bus later that afternoon and she was in tears. I asked her what happened, and she said that she had been pulled in to do the testing that day (a day early and on little sleep) and it was really hard. Clearly she was upset. I told Kris what had happened and also told him that I would be calling the school the next day to speak with the guidance counselor about what happened. The next day, I spoke with the guidance counselor and she confirmed what happened. At this point, there was nothing else we could do except wait to see what her results were. We got her results shortly before Christmas break (when everything was happening with Fyn). She did not score high enough to qualify in anything other than English which would leave her in the school based gifted program. I was fine with that but Ry was disappointed, as was Kris. We were given the option to appeal. I really didn't want to go through with the appeal but Ryann and Kris did, so Kris wrote the letter and submitted to the school. We heard back from the committee at the end of January that they would re-test Ryann. Again, I wasn't thrilled but she wanted to do it, and Kris and I felt that this should be her desicion. So we set up different times for her to test before school on several occassions in February. She finished up a couple weeks ago and we got her results in the mail today (Tuesday). There was a significant difference in her test scores from the fall test and this test. She qualified in all 4 areas and is eligible for placement in the CBG program. I'm astounded (although I shouldn't be) at the difference a good nights rest and a less stressful testing event made. She is thrilled and we are beyond proud of her. I remain a little skeptical about the whole program b/c it will be a lot of work for her and she'll just be starting middle school which is a big change in and of itself. I guess if it gets to be too much for her we can always pull her. Fortunately, the CBG program for middle school is at her home middle school so she doesn't have to leave her friends which was a worry of hers all along. I'm grateful for that as well. I couldn't imagine the stress of a gifted program, starting a new school, leaving your friends, and puberty would cause her. At least we can eliminate one of those stressors. Congratulations to my big "baby". I am very proud.

A Father's Perspective

2011-03-12T05:52:00.001-05:00

a blog post from Kris:

So Amanda asked the most "keep-to-himself" person that she knows to write a blog entry. Fortunately for me I have been able to read her entries for the last few months. I have also had a first person view of everything our friends and family have said since Fyn died. I have had a lot of time to think about God, my unconditional love for Amanda and our children, and how much I appreciate and love our friends and family. I have also thought about this blog entry for a few weeks, so I am as ready as I ever will be.

**Disclaimer- I do ask that you forgive me or stop reading this post If I start to ramble.

1. Here's a comment that I really appreciate hearing. "You are blessed with three children or be thankful for the three children you have." Please stop thinking, because you are already over taxing limited resources. To state or think that minimizes Fyn. You are right I am blessed to have three, but I have also been hurt in a way that can never heal by the death of Fyn. Is Fyn less dead because I have three living children? Here's a thought, maybe you are a little jealous that we have three children, and being a person who has seen what others have, I to have been jealous. However, this isn't desiring someone's TV or car.

2. Here's a great comment - "God has a plan." Well pardon me, but "f***" that. I believe that God is infinite and has given us free will. I believe that God did not kill my son, otherwise how could I believe in Him as an unconditionally loving God. Please understand that I am mostly faithful, but I wasn't raised to believe in the Christian sense of God and so I am still working everything out.

3. God wanted another angel. See #3. In addition, God is infinite and timeless, so couldn't he have given us some time with Fyn? I prayed, begged, and offered myself to him, but I guess it wasn't enough. In addition, one of the hardest things for me is that I never got to see, feel, or hold him. This is one of those areas where being the dad sucks. I was in the third person for his life and death.

4. Here's a thought, "Kris you are writing this and being selfish." This also fits in with "man up and stop complaining." Let's see, one of the most unfair things on a small scale happened, a healthy innocent child, whose worst offense was inheriting the sins of his parents, died. Yep, he and I both have the right to complain.

So now I will wrap this up, thanks to everyone who was kind enough to pray for me, Amanda, Fyn, and/or my family. Thanks to everyone who just accepts us as is and is letting us mourn without their unsolicited two cents. Thanks to our friends and family who have helped Amanda and me by watching the kids and providing us some couple time. Thanks to Dr. B and the authors of the Love Dare for inspiring me to be a better husband and providing the tools for self analysis and the improvement. Thanks to Amanda for accepting me as I am and still loving me, you are my inspiration for much. Finally thanks to God for my life; I really hate this low, buy I pray that you, Mammy, and Grandma Dorothy are showering Fyn with love.

MCP Project 52: Week 10

2011-03-11T05:12:00.000-05:00

The theme this week was childhood toys. This is my interpretation called "Theirs and Ours". I could not get the picture I wanted this week because it was so overcast outside and I could not get any natural light into the house to take a decent picture. This is what I ended up with. Despite appearances, we are not pack rats. The toys on the right are just a few that we've kept from our childhood and of course the ones on the left are our kids. The more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?

My blog

2011-03-10T05:34:00.000-05:00

Before I started writing about my/our experience with Fyn, I never thought too hard about my blog but lately I find myself struggling with issues like: "Is it too much about Fyn? Do people really want to keep reading about his? Am I putting too much of myself/my feelings out there? How will my kids feel about this in the future? How does my husband feel about it now? Do I really want everything that comes along with putting myself out there publicly?" The only answers that I can come up with are: probably, maybe, and I don't know. Those aren't real definitive answers, huh?

I know that by expressing my feelings about Fyn, about God, and about where I am with my grief will lead to some unsolicited advice, thoughts and opinions. I get that I will get emails or comments from people who want to help, or even, who disagree. That is okay, I think. Will it/Does it bother me? Depending on the connotation, sure. Why wouldn't it? Especially if it is something people are saying under the guise that it is helpful but it really isn't. At least not to me. Or they put their foot in their mouths by saying something hurtful unintentionally. That I can deal with most of the time. I'm not saying that it hasn't thrown me for a loop in the past, it has, but I have worked my through it. So for now, I'm okay taking the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes with my blogging.

As for how my kids and husband will feel or do feel. I hope that they will enjoy reading this in the future. Kris reads it now and thus far, he hasn't complained. He's even agreed to write a post for it. :o Now for him to find the time to do it. I have a great deal of respect for my marriage and my husband and my kids too, so I won't post anything on here that would be disrespectful to them or make them embarrassed that their wife/mom writes a blog.

Now, about others feeling that I put too much of myself out there or not wanting to read anymore about Fyn and my grief. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. If people feel that I write too much about Fyn or my feelings then they have the option to close the page and not read that day or only read on days when I am writing about something that interests them. Right now, my blog is my outlet, as is my journal. Believe it or not, not everything I feel or am going through is put out here. I do have thoughts and feelings that are just mine. It's safer that way. ;) This is something I'm doing to help me work through my grief in addition to seeing a therapist. If it ever gets to be too much, I will stop but for now, it helps and that's what's important.